So I have been in a funk all week. I have tried to raise myself from the doom and gloom that wants to wallow inside me making me feel like I have weights attached to my mind and my limbs. My fingers can't type and I spell badly. The process of communicating with anyone is severely impaired where words don't form and I simply don't want to talk. I could be quite comfortable not speaking all day. I have had this before and it has been a waiting it out for it to go away. Like a storm that comes over and it rains and rains for days on end, where you wonder when will the sun come back and you can go out without an umbrella. I am waiting for this storm to pass.
Adding to my mood or part of my mood is our dryer. It has been ill or dying for a month give or take. When it is really in pain it sounds like a mouse being slowly killed by a cat with a microphone amplifying the high decibel constant squeak/screech it can till the dang thing turns off by my hand or the dryer timer. I mean I do have to dry our clothes! If it is not dying then it is making embarrassing squawk sounds intermittently and sometimes simultaneously with the mouse squeak/screech magnified sounds. Our pets are hiding and I should wear earplugs. My Love tried to deal with the dang dryer but basically said he couldn't get to wherever the sounds are coming from. He used WD40 in various spots, watched it spin but no cure was found. Then there are the times where it works fine without any noise. Why? What inspires it to create mind damaging sounds?
I went online to check out dryers and washers on Best Buys website. I mean we should just get a matching pair, new at the same time. I found some even on sale and great financing, those new fancy Energy Star ones because ours are not in that league. No the dang dryer was bestowed upon us by our neighbor after our previous one died over a year ago. With the economy in the dumps we simply couldn't afford to buy one so he had one sitting around in his garage. And I am really grateful that we didn't have to buy one but going into it being installed we didn't know how much life it had left. We had already replaced the previous washer the year before as the other one died.
History of washer and dryers for me has been hand me downs from others. Every once in awhile we had to buy a new one but they never matched except the last set which came from my parents house when they moved. They lasted almost 14 years but many repair jobs happened along the way. If I sound unappreciative of mismatched appliances it is because these are the tools of my trade as a professional home engineer. Would my Love choose to use second rate tools in his profession of building? I just figured that once we became Real Adults we could buy Brand New Appliances. I have never, ever had a brand new refrigerator. Every one we have ever had came from someone else's house, usually off a job my Love was doing. I would scrub and clean out someone else's dried up food inside till it looked sort of brand new. Dents? What dents, I would just ignore them. Hey, I looked at it this way that at least I had some appliances. I didn't need to go to the laundromat using saved up quarters and dimes, while sitting for hours with a newspaper or book, secretly observing the other folks doing their laundry. I did that while we were first married. Then it was sweet as we would go together on Sunday mornings when we lived in San Francisco, buy the Chronicle newspaper and be together. Young lovers doing laundry together. I never went alone. Too bad there were no Starbuck's in those days. And talk about great people watching. We lived across the street from Golden Gate Park and our laundromat was just up the street near where the Jefferson Airplane's house was when it was painted all drab black. Very interesting people came in and out of that laundromat.
Now the real reason I got into this funk to begin with was over Valentine's. I sweetly received a card from my brother several days before and then on Valentine's Day my love wished me a Happy Valentine's Day and on my pillow that night was a cute card. Fair is fair I put mine on his pillow that night too. So okay he was safe....sort of (?). My kids said nothing and three of them are grown adults though one is out of the country traveling. Nothing. I missed those days when they would make a card with a cute picture with hearts and I love you's written on it. But my Love didn't even take R. down to pick a card out when he went. I don't know...I just felt...denied. I didn't understand their ignoring me. Is it because they don't have any sweethearts themselves? Are they feeling it is odd to send mom/dad a card? I was so excited about Valentine's Day. We had planned on having the Grandparents over for dinner but one set came for breakfast instead and my mom for dinner. I planned out a menu to feed my love ones with choosing to do a Beef Wellington because my dear mother by marriage use to fix The best Beef Wellington ever. Fresh and peeled Asparagus just like my sister by marriage does (she is a most extraordinary cook and has taught me as much as my mother by marriage). A big salad and a mixed Brown Rice (though I added too much salt by accident). For dessert I fixed a fancy Chocolate Ganache Tart with Cocoa Meringues to decorate it with. My mom brought a lovely bottle of wine to go with our dinner and even though we couldn't understand her we had a good time. It was the next day that it hit me that the previous day just felt regular except for me. I mean I know my parents can't get out and buy cards like they use to but really a card from my children? How hard would that have been. Or for the Grandparents. Really. Didn't I always get into the Valentine's love all their lives? My Love and I always celebrated with them and didn't go out to dinner just the two of us. It was Always a family affair. What went wrong?
Needless to say I was an unhappy woman and that was the beginning of my foul mood. I even swore which I NEVER do. My Love asked if I was okay (like he couldn't tell that I was in a sad way) and I didn't say anything at first and then it just popped out! I said I felt like s**t! I couldn't believe I said it myself. I mean you have to know me...I may have sworn a lot as a teenager but that was it. So he got the message I was not in a sweet mood. I didn't mean to be mean or uncivil towards him, I know, but when you are married you tend to do these nasty deeds from time to time because of "Heaven knows what came over me!" insanity. Can I use the Hormone excuse at all?
Today I laughed for the first time in five days. It was the dang dryer. I was alone and had turned it on to dry the towels and I just came unglued with laughter. The dogs came out wondering what had happened to me. Was I okay? They wagged their tails, licked my hands, and then thought "maybe she is happy finally and will give us a biscuit". Every time the dang dryer made the dying mouse sounds I gleefully laughed. It felt good and I might even be able to talk this weekend and smile and be happy. I will be REAL happy if we go looking at washers and dryers and BUY them as well. Maybe see a movie that I want to see. Valentine's isn't just one day to let a love one know...everyday we should let each other know that.
Hormones in a woman who is newly menopausal is the b***h! Ooops! I did it again!!!!