Wednesday, June 29, 2011
She and I are walking towards the building with multipane widows
covered in green curtains that do not let me know what is behind them
We walk inside a door, like the kind at any store up and down
the town we live in, glass which you push firmly to open
The room has young adults sitting on vinyl couches and chairs
it feels like a time long ago when drive-ins and soda fountains were around
They look at us, the mother tall and proud, the child meek and timid,
they look at us as we walk past the desks off to the side of a room that feels too long
The man has a grey hair with a white short beard, I sense kindness
the polite greeting of my mom and he while I stand mute and lost
The room is emptied, just us three, and I am taller, she is older and less of presence
the question and answer begin and I am getting taller and stronger
My voice builds with longing of what I missed
"I missed you mom. I missed you wanting me when I got older".
She has become rigid and uncomfortable, her words I can not hear
only her lips and mouth open and close, tightness when pressed together.
"I couldn't be me, I had to be what you wanted. You wouldn't let me breathe".
Words fall from my mouth like alphabet soup letters, forming sentences and phrases.
I see around me the slow fading in of the young adults that have begun to appear.
Their faces supporting me as they become clearer, eyes on me not her
The scene like a celluloid movie, that flickers and displays a scene of us
"I am your mother, I know what is best for you"
The man speaks to her, "She is not for you to keep tucked in a drawer".
I am growing and she is aging as the film continues on the reel.
Is it dark or light, the colors are faded, flashes of brightness and the room
is real once more, the young adults are smiling
My mother is old and weak, she is sad at her loss of control over me
"You are wrong, she needs me" her words are desperate
The man talks gently to her even though she repels his words
For once I am forgiven for being me, by a man who listened
The room of young adults has come to life, the child I was walks towards the door
her pure white ankle socks on chubby legs runs
I push through to bright sunlight
the sound of the reel clicks, clicks, clicks
* I had a dream last night of this. So oddly it floated to my head. We had watched a show on PBS of film making where I think the flash of celluloid came from. The ankle socks from my friend Lori who shared a photo from her childhood wearing while ankle socks. The constant theme of my mom and I and my struggle to be loved by her unconditionally. The man represented the therapist we went to back in 2004. He did not help "us" during that time but thankfully in my dream he did.
So relieved to have written this down before it was lost on the day. I did not turn on music knowing that the sound of songs would erase my thoughts.