I'm a bit topsy turvy these days. Throw in a bit of lost, add some smiles, add some drifting daydreams, add time, stir gently and then pour slowly into bed at the end of the day. Some days I forget to add more smiles, and I intend to blend in sweet memories that pop in my mind too, but there will be another day to do just that.
I'm amazed at times how tethered I was to my mom for the bulk of my life. Without her here I have more time that I realized I would. Perhaps it is only that since her passing I was thigh high in closing her home and busier that I expected. Coming down from that frenzy just days before her home closed and everything needed to be out before the passing on of the house keys, I suppose I should have expected a let down physically and mentally.
It is good, really. I'm good, really. But I'm still sort of lost. It's been years since the phone would ring multiple times of the day from my mom. Odd calls that I think she just needed to hear a voice. I'd like to think she needed to hear my voice but really I think she knew she could call me and say anything, critical or trivial, and I would be there on the other end of the line patient and polite.
I'm not sure of my thoughts or if I need to. At times I feel like I'm emerging from a cocoon to be transformed with whatever possibilities I choose. It's sort of scary too. I'm not wanting to change "Me", I guess I just want to be me without the anxiety of waiting for the phone to ring, or trying to please my mom. Seems silly thinking this way but even with her not being herself the last 3+ years, without her being able to call me or the inability to communicate at all, that presence of her was there. Sometimes I'm still that little girl who is not confident in her own skin.
Overbearing parents, whether a mother or father, or God forbid both, is not to be taken lightly. It isn't to say my mom was less loving because she could and was loving. But other times it was more complicated. If I could have one wish it would be for my parents, all of them, my dad who passed away in the mid 1980's, my papa who passed away in 1999 and now my mom to tell me me how they loved me. It would help even if I didn't like what they said. I would like to ask my dad especially, why he didn't try to see my brother and I more, or to write or call us. Why or what happened? Did he ever think how we would feel because he didn't? I wish we had gotten to know each other, I wish I could remember him, how he hugged me when I was little. Did he play with me, read to me?
I wish Papa and Mom cared enough to explain the complications that might arise upon their passing. How the heck can a loved one know how or what the process of closing an estate mean? Why were we to be left in the dark only to feel more in the dark with each passing legal letter that comes in the mail? I think I saw too many movies and read too many books where the attorney sits the whole family down and does the reading of the will. He would be a kindly soul that would speak gently, clearly, and with sincere condolence to the family. As with death the mystery of closure still drifts on. All will be well. I know this I just expected, and I guess there lies the problem, expecting, will go the opposite way of books or movies. Legal ways are certainly more along the lines of the TV show "The Good Wife", as in how to make a legal blender of what can be said or written. And because this is private, I can't explain other than it isn't just my family involved and therein lies the crux of this and the complication for us, and the slow process, and the lack of communication to us. 99% of the time I'm choosing to not let this effect me. It will proceed.
So why am I feeling topsy turvy then? Because I'm adrift in becoming me. It's a big year ahead. My son, our last one with graduate this year and head off to college in the fall. Another milestone. I'll let this flow.....and all will be well. I know this and feel this. Whatever comes my way .....