Saturday, December 6, 2014
Seeds of Uncertainty
Uncertainty: The lack of certainty. A state of having limited knowledge where it is impossible to exactly describe the existing state, a future outcome, or more than one possible outcome.
I could say that all is well, that I'm brimming over with happy thoughts while preparing for the holidays. I could say that but in honesty I would be fibbing. For any of us who has faced loss of family, friends and pets, I won't even say of recent days, as any one of us can draw in a sharp breath when remembering that loved one regardless of the passage of time.
Seems that a trigger started up for me. Father-by-marriage broke his hip in November and while his surgery mended his hip it has worsened his mental capabilities which was bordering dementia. Now he is considerably frailer physically and mentally. Listening to my Love and his siblings having to make decisions of what to do brought up the anguish of the years my mom became unable to care for herself. That ugly fear of not wanting to watch a parent fade who it seems just yesterday was out having a life of independence. The letting go, of knowing that you can't stop time, you can't go in reverse, you can only be there fully, and do the best you can for them. Some days will seem like you didn't help at all and other days you will feel like perhaps it is enough.
My middle daughter's beloved kitty has entered into his next phase, dying. He became ill but is not responding to new medication and all the loving attention given him. He has always been the fun kitty. Unusually looking (he is a Devon Rex), very playful, annoying, inquisitive, smart, and a kitty who stole our hearts from the first time we saw him. Watching my daughter tend to him is just as heartbreaking as watching him fade. She sleeps next to him at night, helping him when he tries to use the litter box, giving him fluids needed subcutaneously, dispensing his medications. She carries him in a kitty bed out to be with us all in the kitchen. Last night she was knitting, the kitty bed in her lap, Agador bundled up with a ball of yarn next to him. Such a sight. Him not attacking the yarn but instead watching her and dozing every so often. Most unkitty like. For those of us with pets, we can well remember as an adult getting our first pet. We didn't have to ask our parents permission and the joy of raising the little bundle of energy taught us a lot about life, including the aging and then the passing to death that happens.
I know that this is my personal discombobulation. Most of the time I can talk and allow myself the extra TLC to move forward.
It's hard to feel joy when the heart is heavy. Some people seem to be able to do this with ease but there are those like me who under the smile feel blue.
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Agador passed away last night.....tears fell as we bid him goodbye. Peace is with him.....