Thursday, April 22, 2010
In the bed we share.....
When I crawl into bed at night I lay there waiting....
Till he is through brushing his teeth.
For so many years the habits we form,
The habits we share......
The time we wait for each other
I lie still and quiet
Awaiting him to lay next to me....
And I wait with joy and anticipation....
The time when all the day will fade away
Then he is next to me
I am already warm from our lofty down comforter
He is cool and slides close to my body.....
He reaches for my hand and I to his
Our fingers entwine....
Mine so small as though I am a child.
We lie close and our bodies warm to each other...
It has been this way for so many years...
My feet touching his shins.
I can not reach his toes with mine
Till his reach up to touch mine....
Which way? I ask....
Will he spoon me or will I spoon him?
These nightly rituals we do, we ask...
Each way has its peace...each way
Each way....
Where I will fall ....into a blissful sleep.
Each night where he will kiss my neck
My ear....my neck....
He will kiss me....
I know that I am loved
And I love him like I can never love another.
We fall....
Into our dream sleep
The one time that we do not know
Where each other is...though side by side we lay.
Morning comes
Once more our hands reach for each others
To twine once again and lay....
Quiet....so quiet.
Must we break this magic time where it is
Just us?
I feel his breath on my neck
As he turns to kiss me good morning
Sometimes it is me who does this...but today it is him.
Curling, in our embrace of each other
Where time does stand still.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
What is humane....and is suffering what humans must endure?
I saw this in our newspaper today....
I know euthanasia is compassionate for our pets
but as for people suffering,
even when they will not survive,
are forced to suffer in their remaining months,
days and hours of their lives.
I know we can't play God but
why should the end of a life be horribly tortuous
for the sufferer and their loved ones?
Why can't a life end in the loving arms of family
in peace and dignity?
Tammerlin Drummond: Pet deaths often more humane than humans'
By Tammerlin Drummond
Contra Costa Times columnist
Contra Costa Times columnist
Posted: 04/18/2010 12:01:00 AM PDT
ON Friday, I went with a longtime friend to put her terminally ill 15-year-old cat to sleep.
Cornflake was one of three pets featured in a column I wrote in September about the great expense and challenges of caring for sickly old cats and dogs.
Back then, Cornflake recently had been diagnosed with cancer. His owner, Dorian Laird, had spent thousands of dollars on chemotherapy and hospital bills. It was a huge bite out of the substitute teacher's paycheck. Yet she didn't hesitate to do all she could to save the cat, who had been her companion since he was 8 months old and could fit in the palm of her hand.
"I love him," she said. "He's not ready to check out, and I'm not ready to let him go."
Seven months later, Cornflake had wasted away to skin and bones. With a heavy heart, my friend decided it was time.
On Thursday, she fixed her feline friend a final dinner of baked salmon and delighted in watching him scarf it down.
The next day, she loaded him into his nylon carrier for his final journey.
Laird, her sister, Gina, and I made the trek to the East Bay SPCA in Oakland to do the dreaded deed.
I am no stranger to death.
In the past several years, I have lost a grandmother to lung cancer, a stepmother to breast cancer, an uncle to decades of heroin abuse and a friend to brain cancer. All succumbed after lengthy, painful illnesses.
I was in the room when two of them left this world.I have, however, never had a pet euthanized.
As is ironically so often the case with funerals, it was a beautiful, sunny day.
My friend, her sister and I sat outside the veterinary clinic waiting for it to open. We talked about their master's degree projects, my backyard renovation, the great sale at Talbots. We talked about everything except what we were about to do.
We unzipped Cornflake's carrier so he could soak in some final rays.
My friend went inside to settle the bill so she would not have to deal with it afterward.
Soon, a member of the vet staff ushered us into an examining room. A vet tech explained that they would briefly take Cornflake to put a needle into his vein. The vet then would bring him back into the room with us to dispense the medication that would put him out of his misery.
After what seemed an eternity, the vet tech brought Cornflake back.
As we had suspected, he was so thin they'd had difficulty finding a vein. "He cursed at us a few times," the tech said.
I thought back to my poor late grandmother in the emergency room at Kaiser. A young, obviously inexperienced nurse had stuck her multiple times trying to locate a vein. My grandmother was a retired nurse, and she angrily told him to go find somebody else.
My friend held Cornflake on her lap.
I started snapping pictures with my BlackBerry. When all else fails, hide behind a camera.
The vet asked if we were ready.
My friend's face sagged.
The vet, a very kind woman, said it looked like we needed more time.
My friend tearfully nodded.
More BlackBerry snaps. More stalling.
Then, finally, my friend said she guessed we had better go ahead and do it.
The vet began to administer the medication while Cornflake sat peacefully in his owner's lap.
Within seconds, he was gone.
I could not believe how fast it was.
There was no agonized thrashing. No moaning. No final gasping for air. No weeks upon weeks of standing by helplessly while he writhed in pain.
For one final time, Cornflake lay stretched out on his owner's lap. His huge eyes were still open — staring.
It suddenly occurred to me that he had died with more dignity than a lot of people.put him out of his misery.
After what seemed an eternity, the vet tech brought Cornflake back.
As we had suspected, he was so thin they'd had difficulty finding a vein. "He cursed at us a few times," the tech said.
I thought back to my poor late grandmother in the emergency room at Kaiser. A young, obviously inexperienced nurse had stuck her multiple times trying to locate a vein. My grandmother was a retired nurse, and she angrily told him to go find somebody else.
My friend held Cornflake on her lap.
I started snapping pictures with my BlackBerry. When all else fails, hide behind a camera.
The vet asked if we were ready. My friend's face sagged.
The vet, a very kind woman, said it looked like we needed more time.
My friend tearfully nodded.I could not believe how fast it was.
There was no agonized thrashing. No moaning. No final gasping for air. No weeks upon weeks of standing by helplessly while he writhed in pain.
For one final time, Cornflake lay stretched out on his owner's lap. His huge eyes were still open — staring.
It suddenly occurred to me that he had died with more dignity than a lot of people.
Tammerlin Drummond is a columnist for the Bay Area News Group. Reach her at tdrummond@bayareanewsgroup.com or Twitter.com/Tammerlin .
Honeymoon Part 3 ~ Corfu ~
For the rest of the day A. gave us a sightseeing trip around the old part of town. What stands out in my memory is the church Agios Spyridon which has the relics of St. Spyridon their patron saint inside in a silver casket that we could walk right up to. Looking at photos of it online now I can't say I remember it the same way. To me it was very dark inside, like so many of the churches we had seen throughout Italy and Spain. Those faithful to this saint leave notes that they try to stuff into the casket of their prayers to hopefully be answered. The casket is in a chapel off from to the side of the main alter where there are silver chandeliers, candelabras and incense burners. Four times of the year the casket is paraded through the town with the mummified saint's face exposed. It is to commemorate the four occasions when he saved the island from disaster, famine, twice from plague and once from Turkish invasion.
After A. led us around giving us the guided tour of the town, somewhere along the way we ate and my Love and I were ready for a cozy bed since we hadn't had a bed to sleep in for several nights. You can only do so much sightseeing when you are bone tired. A. said he had found a place for us to spend the night before we would leave to go to the fantastic beach he had found. I thought we would be at some sort of pension, like where we had been staying all during this trip except for the times we did camp. We walked to a building, up a flight of stairs and A. knocked on the door. Strange to have to knock on the door of a pension I thought. The door opened to a room where many people were smoking and sitting around. A. was talking a mile a minute in Greek to someone while we stood there with our backpacks feeling quite awkward.
Someone asked to look at our passports. A. translated that we were told we could not have a room together as they didn't believe we were really married since my passport had my maiden name on it and not my new married name. It was clear this was not a pension but their family home. I don't know where A. was going to sleep as he left once he had set us up for the night. I was not happy at being separated from my Love. I thought maybe I would have my own room, though that was wishful thinking. I was led to a room with several cots and a single bed. It was clear I was to have roommates. One was a very old lady and the other a middle age woman, none of which spoke any English. They would look at me and say things but I didn't know what to say. I decided I would just fake falling asleep even though it wasn't that late. I found the bathroom, brushed my teeth and then settled on the cot, curling myself away from their eyes. It felt like they talked forever. I fell asleep wondering where my Love was and what situation he had.
What I found out from him the next day was that he was in a room with some other men who chain smoked and talked for a long time as well. My Love does not smoke nor does he like being around those who smoke. I felt awful that he had to endure that evening in his room away from me breathing in all that foul second hand smoke.
The next morning I woke up and quietly left the room to shower. I must say I thought I had seen most types of bathroom arrangements but this one did confuse me. Even though I had used the bathroom the previous night I never paid much attention to the shower set up. The room was square with the toilet near the sink in one corner, a drain in the middle of the slightly sloped tile floor. In the opposite corner from the sink I saw the wall mounted shower knobs and then a hand holding shower head. No shower curtain anywhere. Okay so I hope I don't splash all over this room. I quickly did my showering and felt odd leaving the bathroom floor wet. Thankfully when I came out my Love was in the common room of the apartment. Smiling and feeling better upon seeing him we were ready to head out to see the beach A. had been telling us so much about. He did his cleanup and we bid a goodbye and out into the sunny morning we went. We came upon A. in the area near where the Yogurt shop was and once again had that delicious warm yogurt with honey for our morning breakfast.
Monday, April 5, 2010
My boy who is becoming a man....
How did it happen? A blink ago he was but a babe held in my arms so safe. Looking into my eyes with such depth. Holding onto my fingers so tightly with his small fist, his fingers grasping on as though I was his link to the whole wide world that he knew. I can still remember him as I would hold him upright in my arms looking over my shoulder ...mouthing his thumb or smacking his lips, drooling on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck with his little head. I could hear his sweet breath on me in my ear. So close, so dear.
Another blink...he is learning to walk on wobbly short legs holding on to our dog Jesse by the back as they went down our hallway. Silly sounds he would make, falling down and picking himself up. So happy. Jesse and he the same age. Family and friends thought I was crazy to get a puppy when I had a three month old baby. To me it was perfectly normal and easy. They were little buddies together.
Blink....he is on his yellow tractor in the driveway. Trying to scoop up dirt, wood or his outside toys with the front loader. He could name me all the parts of a truck, could name me every type of truck and what they did. We spent so much time outside where there were trees to climb, to help Daddy where he worked in the garage, help to feed our horses or bring them from the field. Daddy would put him on our white mare Synmora as they would come to the barn. Rocking on her back, holding onto her long silver white mane. Our yard his park. Daddy built a large sandbox where he would work with his toy trucks. Endless job sites he would make and tear down to start all over again and again.
Blink...tossing baseballs with Daddy back and forth. I couldn't get the hang of using a mitt and he was throwing much stronger so it was a shift from me to Daddy. Everything was Daddy. I was in his world but not the way he needed. Daddy built "our field of dreams" in the pasture where I would work the horses with my lunge line. The Little League team played here with a game between the dad's and the boys. The mommies watching above realizing our little boys were growing so fast and away from us. It was then that we each opened up how those baby/child days were gone. They had slipped past us with barely a chance to know what had happened. Our men looking at their boys and they too at last seeing the boys they had only seen as "mama's boy's" now theirs. Now they could dream of what they thought their son's would become. They all thought their boy's were the best little baseball players and yet they were only 7.
Blink....we share a love for books. Night after night reading stories at bedtime till the time came when he would want to read by himself. I was happy that he found such pleasure in this but still missed crawling up on his bed, snuggled so close, he hanging on every word I would read to him. Now I could see him through the curtains on the french doors to his room, propped up on his bed turning pages till he would hop down and turn off the light. All by himself. I wanted so much to be there reading with him but I knew this time was his.
Blink....Did he just turn 9, 10, 11, 12....did those years just fly by without my having a say? Could we not hold those days of walks by the duck pond, playing at the park, swim lessons, trips to get ice cream on a hot summer day? What about the kid movies where we would get candy or popcorn or both along with a Slushie, because he is my last baby and I can't really say no. All the trips to buy Pokemon cards at Target for his collection. Going to see the SF Giants play in San Francisco and of course buying a hot dog and a soda. What could be better on a sunny day or even a night game with the crowd cheering on our home team. Looking at the stars on a dark night, listening out for the owl in the redwood tree by the barn. Peewee golf, golfing with Daddy on a nine hole golf course.
Blink.....he is fourteen. His electric guitar he plays with such intensity. I hear him everyday as he practices, trying out new riffs, recognizing Santana, Guns n Roses, Led Zeppelin from time to time and now new musicians I am not familiar with. I am learning from him. I am in awe of him and is devotion to his music.
Sometimes I look at him when he does not see me. I wonder what he is thinking, what is going through his mind. What an awkward age from this last year of Middle School before High School. He is such a good student and I understand his need for space without mom and dad. I remember that time for me when I too wanted to be alone in my room, the door shut not wanting to be with the rest of the household. I respect that time for him yet I miss him so. I know that in the next blink he will be heading out the door from us. On to the next blink in his life...but it will be his life without us.
I selfishly want to go back and do it all over, exactly the same, to try it all over again. I want to feel him in my arms as he falls asleep, that moment when I would lay him down in his crib where he would roll to his side and his thumb would slide into his mouth, sucking so softly. His cheeks rosy from nursing as he lay against his little lambie he slept upon. I could stand there and watch him endlessly. I could have chosen not to put him in that crib but keep him between my Love and I. So many times we would lay him between us, marveling at him, touching his so soft skin, stroking his little fists. He was so wanted. He was a dream that happened after such a long time from his sisters. Our little miracle.
Each day though I know I must let him go. It started really a long time ago. Those days when he would scamper away from me at the park, looking back to see where I was but off he would go. I know he will always be here in my heart if not in my line of sight. I know I will still feel his hugs though now he looks down on me and his shoulders are beginning to broaden as he awkwardly puts his arms around me. Soon it will be a girl friend he holds and I will be out of his thoughts, as it should be. My man /child.
Photo by Megan Frasheski
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