Three days. Three long days have passed since she left us. I took Stewie for a stroll today on the Iron Horse trail hoping to meet some doggies for him to visit with. Not many were on the trail but I let him sniff to his hearts content. He didn't have his heart in it, I could tell. I thought of all the walkies and hikes we would all do and fondly held those times in the walk.
This is hard. I have so little gumption. I need to write to move forward.
Anyone who knows me knows how much my dogs have meant to me. I know it is not a child I have lost or a relative. A loving, loyal dog has left our home and I am in mourning. I will move on and feel like myself again but for now I am taking one day at a time. Trying to inspire Stewie who clearly is in mourning as well. My Love and I feel drugged. Lost. Numb. Empty.
Annie. Annie-Bo-Bannie. Miss Annie. Annie Girl. Sweet Annie.
Was I in denial? She made it through the surgery. Dr. Endo removed her spleen and two masses, one we didn't even know was there. She came home the same day of the surgery in the evening. She rested in her bed, we brought water to her which she drank. She took her pain medicine the first night. She went outside and peed. Come morning she went outside, drank water, ate rice with broth and beef that I had cooked all the day before to make tender. She rested and walked. She looked worn out but she wagged her tail and gave us sweet puppy licks. The next day she got up, had her breakfast, drank and went and did her doggie business. She rested but also was up and walked a bit too.
That last night......we went out to dinner with good, dear friends and after came back and sat outside as it was a lovely evening. These friends love dogs just as I do and Annie and Stewie are special doggie friends with them and their pups. When we walked in the door Annie was there to greet us with a wagging tail and her favorite stuffed toy, her multicolored ball with a squeaker inside. It fills her gentle mouth. She even dropped it for some doggie crotch sniffing! I did let her outside with us for a bit but then I wanted her to rest so I brought her inside. She didn't really like that but did as she was told. We all said how good she looked and how she was on the mend.
That night.....I woke up and heard her cough and then I heard her panting. I got up to see if she needed water. She wouldn't drink any. I wondered if she was too hot. She wasn't panting hard just a slow pant. She seemed settled and I went to bed. I woke up to hearing her again panting but panting hard. I thought it was less than an hour later but I wasn't too sure. I knelt beside her bringing the water to her lips. She turned her head away. I tried to get her to get up but she wouldn't. Stewie is there beside us. I am alarmed and I need to check her gums to see if they are pink or pale. That is what her Dr. and the veterinary tech. had told us to check for. I also remember about the panting, that if she is panting heavily that is not good either. I wake up my Love and urgently tell him that Annie is not doing well. I turn on the light and check the gums. Pale to white. Her tongue is cold and she is not well. I tell my Love I need to take her to the emergency vet and he goes to get our car ready. I quickly go change into street clothes and then rush back to be by her side.
It was quick. She stopped panting. She gasped. My Love came in while I cried out. I yelled her name "Annie, Annie!".....another gasp. I tell him we need to hurry and he gently tells me she is gone. I can't believe this. No, no, no. She lays there in Jesse's old bed. Peaceful, quiet. We are around her, Stewie, my Love and I, circling her, stroking her. I kneel my head to hers and whisper the love I have for this beautiful girl. She was love. All love and licks to everyone. Now she was gone.
I have never seen an animal pass away. Our little Jesse died at home, in the same room as we all were in. He slipped away without our knowing, peaceful slumber in the room we nightly sat in. I honestly hope she did not suffer. The gasping troubles my heart and head. At near 2:30 A.M. she was quiet. We sat there with her, stroking her golden coat, her so soft head and ears. Stewie stared and waited with us. I didn't want to move her, not till morning. Luna our cat came to sniff her old friend. Slowly she stepped around her body, gently she walked on the bed, then she walked away. My Love decided we needed to move her and we did. We have been through much this man and I. We have had many furry friends who have given us such joy and companionship. We have walked many trails with them, side by side. Taken them on vacations when we could. Our pets are like our family.
In the night as I tried but failed at sleeping, I thought of Dixie our Golden who died before we brought Annie into our home. Dixie who died while we were gone, who we could not say our goodbyes to. She was cremated and I have had her ashes all these 11 years. I never could let them go to the cold earth. Some part of my heart said this was the time. These two Golden girls should be together. They never knew each other but they would have romped and played together if they had. They would have covered us with Golden hair, slobbered our faces and made us happy as could be. This was my release for Dixie.
As morning broke I told my Love what I wanted. It was important that Annie have her favorite stuffed ball toy. No other dog could ever have this toy. It was Annie's. I told him that I wanted Dixie to be with Annie and that Dixie's Kong toy to be buried with them as well. Annie never liked the Kong, she loved stuffed toys. They lie buried on the hill behind our pool, the hill they both use to look up on to keep their eyes on the deer that passed by. The view of Mt. Diablo looms in the distance. We have called this spot Boot Hill as our Jesse lies up here along with our departed kitties from years past.
The house had been cleaned before the day after Annie came home. There is not any Golden fur on the floor which seems unnatural. My floors have always had Golden fur on them for over 21 years between two dogs. Stewie was laying on the dog bed in our kitchen where Annie had brought a few toys days before. A few Golden strands of her coat clung to his black fur as he rolled on his back while I rubbed his tummy. I hate to see them go......I ache for my Annie. I hurt.
