There have been many thoughts going through my mind these many weeks since we came back from vacation. It's now August, almost a year since my mom passed away. That is one deep abyss of confusion still of her the mom and the woman.
Then there is the coming time when my son, my heartbeat these past 18 years, will leave our little nest to begin his life separate from us, his mom and dad. We may have had four kids, but with R. it has felt like we had an only child since the girls have been out of the nest for quite some time.
It has been bliss. Truly. Amazingly. Bliss.
A paradox in my life right now of the year anniversary for mom and the beginnings for R. but also for my Love and I too. Beginnings can be quite unsettling. How to feel? I go from weepy eyes and choked up throat to excitement (alone with my Love for the first time since 1980! WOC ~ without children!), pride (so very proud of my R for being the honest, kind, intelligent young man he is), scared (letting go of R...I knew this day was coming but how to let go of my sweet boy?)
I will. I'll let go.
I remember all the walks R. and had I with his little hand in mine. Soft childish puffy little palm in mine. I can remember tracing in my mind that a day would come when he would not want me to hold his hand. Big boy. Me do it myself time. And you have to let it happen. Parents have to let go so often that it begins to blur when and why, only that you do and the child is learning to be their own person, separate from you.
