There is a Tsunami warning coming. I can feel it in my gut. A feeling I don't like causing anxiety to grip my core wanting me to flee. Higher ground, higher ground!
Tsunami: I looked up some synonyms: Interesting what applies to me:
breakup cataclysm choppiness climax convulsion disaster heave
paroxysm popple quake rise roll scend spasm surge swell temblor
tidal wave undulation upheaval whitecaps
Oh yes I can feel it coming and I am not prepared emotionally for this. I am in fear of what is to come even though I know I should do as I said and take it one step at a time.
Mother. I have visions of the Tsunami happening. The earthquake has happened, the facts have been given, the diagnosis presented. Like my earth has been rocked even though I knew in my heart what was wrong with her it still resonates all around me. Accept, acknowledge, pretend you are fine, trust the actions in place. "Everything is fine" she keeps saying, "I am just fine" she keeps saying, "The doctors say I am alright" she keeps saying. Over and over I hear this in every phone call to me.
And now the water is receding...the information shared, sinking in slowly. Wondering.
How long before the huge wave comes back to drown me?
I have been told by her doctors she knows what is wrong with herself but she is in denial or does not fully grasp the gravity for her life. Initially all this was laid out and explained to my brother and I. I had to read more to understand and let it sink in. I didn't see all that I had read about FTD in relation to my mom or as yet to be.
FTD: Frontotemporal Dementia: A cluster of progressive diseases that affect the regions of the brain that control personality, behavior, language and decision-making.
Of late I have had talks with multiple physicians, her lawyer, business partners, those who have helped my mom in other areas and I feel so overwhelmed. I felt my mom had a great safety net around her that she and my dad, while he was alive, put together. Yet now I feel I am being asked to deal more directly and I am scared. What care does she need? Is she fine with the way things have been? Do we trust everyone? When do we need to tighten the safety net?
She has been taken advantage of. We found that out of recent. An obscene amount of money to an alteration lady. Someone I have known from many years ago who even altered my daughters prom dresses. Someone who smiled and was kind and friendly. Someone I would not have thought could become untrustworthy. Or did she just get sucked in by my mom and her generosity, who didn't want to disappoint this client by saying no to the extra cash that came her way? I want to call her, see her and ask her this. For now we are doing one step at a time to protect her. Still wondering how to navigate that ocean.
I can feel my Calm Forte working, feel my anxiety ebbing slowly. I may need to take two but I only took one. I can't let the anxiety eat me. I have to stop the gripping of my gut that is scratching at my insides. I can get a breath in without the pain of fear. Fear is the devil.
I have to meet with another man who wants donations from my mom. An act she started over a year ago and of course him being a major fundraiser he is doing his job to woo her for this. I called him on on my own, without her knowledge to act in her behalf though I am sure with her present state of mind would be angry as a cornered cat if she knew. I tried to explain to him what my mom has, asked him if he ever heard of it, told him she cannot do what he would like her to do. Host a party for 30 to 40 people for the purpose of soliciting donations. Like sharks circling they are waiting, and waiting for the moment to attack. I am more than happy to meet him, to see him face to face, to hope in the meantime he looks up FTD and understands my concerns. Of course I will stand firm that he fish for a new location for his gathering. My mom cannot do this. Oh she would try because this is what she use to do. She was the Queen of fundraising! She could cajole a person so easily and before they knew what had happened. She could get anyone to do to her bidding. She was good, that good.
To be honest...I have always been scared of my mom. Age has not helped or changed a thing. I was the one who could not say "yes" or "no" when she asked to go somewhere, do something because I was afraid to speak up for myself. Yes, many times I did want to do or go with her but a whole heck of a lot of times I didn't. My whole family would go because of my fear if I said no. Why oh why did I not stand up to her so long ago? Now I am quaking in my shoes to have to deal with her life, the web that I don't know how to navigate, the places I have NEVER been allowed into. My mom a woman of secrets who trusts no one. I do believe this...for if they went against her then they are GONE from her life. Dumped, shunned, uninvited. Done deal. Being the family well I would be yelled at or made to feel as bad as she could and she did know how to push my buttons. Really well. What now though? Verbally she can't speak like she use to. The tone will be there. I need to find that thick skinned suit to put on. Why am I shaking right now?
I need another Calm Forte. I need peace. I need strength. I need confidence. I need a hug from my Love.
