Squeeze

"And squeeze, and squeeze.  Just nine more.  And nine, and eight, and seven....just one left..."

I decided I had to try the class.  I had talked about and never got the nerve to do it and yesterday morning I know longer was going to talk, I was going to do it.  On Monday I had called the "Dailey Method" that is in our town and talked to a very pleasant woman.  I shared with her my concerns of doing the class because of my broken wrist from August, the tendonitis in my other arm and my neck issue.  She explained that I would fill out a form and explain my issues which would be updated on their computer and that the instructor would see this as it would be highlighted in red.  The areas that I might have trouble with then would be modified for me.  This sounded great and gave me no excuse to not try it.  I asked which class was the least crowded in the event of having the instructor being able to help me if I needed it.  That was the 11:00 A.M. class.  

"Now hold it, and squeeze, and squeeze..."

The receptionist greets me as I walk in the door.  We talk chitchat a bit and then I fill out the form that asks the usual information as well as any health concerns.  She encourages me to take a look around before the class time begins.  I note they have a neat, small locker room with a large mirror on one wall.  Around the corner of that room is a shower and a restroom.  They have a childcare room as well as another restroom.  White walls and high ceilings with skylights let in natural light.  There are large format photographs of children on the wall which makes me think someone who owns or goes here must do photography on the side.  

"Keep the ball between you thighs, go up on your toes.  Tip your pelvis and squeeze and squeeze..."

Another door opens and many women walk out from the previous class.    The air is warm, much warmer than I expected.  I am bothered by this as I had heard that you barely break a sweat in this class.  I wonder how hot this place will be in the summer.  I had read about the "Dailey Method" which is a similar type class as the "Bar Method", as one of intense, concentrated, repetitions of movement that work muscles that one normally cannot work by simple exercise that most of us do.  That it would work on lengthening, toning  and strengthening the muscles, especially the thighs and butt.  Sweating was not part of the deal.  It takes roots from ballet, yoga and pilates as it incorporates many of the same moves.  Well, I love ballet barre work and I love yoga so this sounded like a great mix.  

"Go higher on your toes.  Keep your back straight, shoulders down and tilt and squeeze...and squeeze"

We begin with marching in place with knees high.  So far so good.  Then we add arms.  We add light weights and I am still okay but I was getting warm.  I sure wish we could open the french door and some of the windows that circled two walls of the room.   The fresh air would feel so good.  The ceiling fans above are on low.

The fatigue begins to set in as we move farther in the class.  I find that they do many of the signature moves while in a plank position as well as doing push ups.  Now all this would be great except for my wrist,  that held up pretty well but I didn't have any desire to push it.  In fact I paced myself carefully having heard how sore one could get.  I had no intention of making myself be unable to move the next day.  

I can feel my body twitching with these new awakened muscles.  Really!  There are just enough repetitions to burn and make the muscles quiver.  I had to break many times.  No one else in the class did.  I didn't compare myself to anyone but I felt like the kid in P.E. who couldn't do what the teacher asked of him to do.

Speaking of the instructor.  She is young and her legs look strong.  She dons a headset and gives us the instructions.  I have a hard time following her as there is pounding music in the background.  That kind of music with a beat that goes with the squeeze.  She comes several times to me to encourage me and to correct a position I don't have.  

Half way through the class I realized that I will not be signing up for this.  In fact I realize that with all we have done I can certainly do yoga once more.  I would really prefer yoga to this.  My neck is not bothered though I am being very careful to not get tight in the shoulders.  I find this a relief and just focus on getting through what I perceive will be the half way mark to the finish.

The last half is an awkward, slightly slouched position against the mirror with the barre above us.  I cannot get the position.   I don't feel this is right for my back and neck.  We are to raise our legs in front of us, like a V shape, tighten our abs and squeeze up.  Right.  My abs have worn out.  I flake out during this part.  Nope.  I will not do this and do it wrong.

Give me the "child's pose" thank you.  Let me stretch it all out.  Thank you....ahhhh.

Tortilla Soup

I fixed a Mexican dinner over the weekend and tried three new recipes.  I think I was forgetting that is a bit crazy to do, especially for me but it all turned out well.  I was bone tired once I prepared all the dishes but I sat down with my afternoon Latte which revived me before the guests arrived.

I found this recipe online and would do it again as it turned out so tasty and the presentation is beautiful.  So here goes and hope you give it a try.

Tortilla Soup

1 T. vegetable oil
1 medium onion, chopped
1 large clove of garlic, minced
2 tsp. of chili powder
2 qts. of chicken stock
1 T. of lime juice
1 lime to serve sliced with finished soup
4 boneless, skinless, chicken breasts
1 (14.5 oz.) can diced fire roasted tomatoes
1 C. corn (if you can get fresh use that or use frozen)
6 corn tortillas, cut in strips  (use good quality homemade style) prepare ahead *
2 medium avocados, diced
Queso Fresco, for topping on the soup before serving
1/2 C. cilantro leaves

1.  Heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat.  Add the onion and cook for about 5 minutes, until soft.

2.  Add the garlic and chili powder.  Add the chicken stock and bring the mixture to a boil.  Then reduce to low.  Add the lime juice.

3.  Place the chicken breasts into the chili / stock and allow it to poach.  This will give it a delicious flavor.  Cover the pot and let the chicken cook until it is very tender.

4.  Remove the chicken from the stock and set aside to cool.

5.  Raise the heat to medium, then add the fire roasted tomatoes (I mashed them before I put them in the stock) and the corn.  Cover and let them cook in the broth for about 10 minutes.

6.  Turn heat to low and let it simmer awhile, keeping covered.

7.  Shred chicken with two forks, keep covered and warm.

*Cut the corn tortillas into strips.  Brush lightly with olive oil and sprinkle with a bit of kosher salt.  Bake in oven till crisp at 350 degrees.  Check so they don't get too brown

To assemble the soup.   Put some of the shredded warm chicken in each bowl.  Ladle soup on top.  Add the diced avocado on top along with the cilantro leaves and queso fresco and lastly the tortilla strips.  Squeeze some lime juice on top.  Enjoy!

***As a note:  I find that the soup can cool down while assembling so make sure you keep the soup real hot as well as keeping the chicken warm after shredding.  Have all the toppings ready to be put on.  Also one could add black beans to the soup which I might try next time. 

A Sunday here in Danville

What words when pictures say so much?  We had a dusting of snow and I have trees in blossom.

Enough...I just need to pause and look....

Come live with me and be my Love

The Passionate Shepherd to His Love

Come live with me and be my Love,

And we will all the pleasures prove

That hills and valleys, dale and field,

And all the craggy mountains yield.

There will we sit upon the rocks

And see the shepherds feed their flocks,

By shallow rivers, to whose falls

Melodious birds sing madrigals.

There will I make thee beds of roses

And a thousand fragrant posies,

A cap of flowers, and a kirtle

Embroider'd all with leaves of myrtle.

A gown made of the finest wool

Which from our pretty lambs we pull,

Fair linèd slippers for the cold,

With buckles of the purest gold.

A belt of straw and ivy buds

With coral clasps and amber studs:

And if these pleasures may thee move,

Come live with me and be my Love.

Thy silver dishes for thy meat

As precious as the gods do eat,

Shall on an ivory table be

Prepared each day for thee and me.

The shepherd swains shall dance and sing

For thy delight each May-morning:

If these delights thy mind may move,

Then live with me and be my Love.

~ C. Marlowe~ What a week....we had a call from our daughter K.   I am all a flutter....our dear K. has told us that she and B. are to be married!  Oh what joy to my Love and I...

The Fur Coat

For Allegra....because she stirred the visions and meandering thoughts several days ago....

                                                                         *******

We walked into I. Magnin's San Francisco past the perfume department to the rear where the elevators were.  A door opened, a gentlemen held the door saying "Going up" and we walked inside.  

"What floor ladies?" as he turned to those of us in the elevator.  Up the elevator went and at every floor as the elevator stopped he would say what was on that floor.  

We disembarked on the floor we wanted and I followed close on my mom's heels to where she led me.  We were greeted warmly by a nicely dressed woman.  My mother explained that she had been to a charity event and had bid on and won a fur jacket.  Yes, we were in the fur salon.  This was long before PETA began it's vocal anger towards those who bought furs and those who flaunted them when they wore them.  This was when a mink coat meant something, especially a full length one.

We waited in the large open area that was the fur salon.  There were white chairs and settee's to sit upon and an oval white coffee table with high end magazines on display.  Oversize windows looked out to Union Square.  There were short racks for items to be hung on but they were empty.

Another lady came out a side door greeting my mother.  The lady asked a few questions and made some small talk with us and then went back through the door.

The intent was that I was to be given the won fur jacket.  My mom did not know what it looked like but she thought it was youthful looking and would not be her style, hence the reason I was with her.  The last place I imagined myself was in a fur salon.  I always felt furs were for old women, wealthy older women like my mom, not someone barely in her 20's.  Still I found it intriguing enough to go along.


When the lady came out she held out towards us on a padded hanger a shaggy sheep jacket.  It was hideous.  My mom took one look at it and was quick to ask if it was possible to choose a different jacket.  The lady was restrained enough to not even give us a look that might have shown offense.  She was cool and polite.  She left us once again to speak to someone.  My mom and I talked amongst ourselves about the jacket that she left out on the rack for us to look at.  I would never wear this and felt like we should just give it to someone else.  No, my mom was not leaving till I had a respectable fur jacket.  


This time the lady came out and said that we could put this jacket towards another one.  Fine.  With that we were asked to sit down and she would bring out some items for us to view.  

I had no idea what I was in for.


The variety of fur coats came out and put on the rack.  I was asked to stand up and try them on.  I should say that I was asked to stand and they were put on me.  I have never had such a sensation as trying on fur.  At once it feels decadent but the lightness of them surprised me.  I had assumed they would be heavy.  The silky satin lining slipped on my arms and shoulders easily followed by the brushing of fur near my checks and on my neck.  Within seconds the warmth and unbelievable comfort of this upon my body made me reluctant to want to take it off.   I can't remember how many I tried on, maybe four but the one I choose in the end was a white fox dyed to look like a lynx jacket.  It was short, fun and I felt incredible in it.  I felt like a different person in it, not the girl I was before I came to this salon.


They said we could pick it up in less than a week after my initials were sewn inside.  Once I had this jacket I tried to wear it but where do I wear it?  I lived in a modest town with lower to middle class blue collar folks.  If any of the women in this town had a fur coat it was old and buried in the depths of their closet with moth balls.  When my Love and I went out I tried to wear it but even then I felt extremely out of place.  I wore it when we went to visit the parents until finally I just didn't wear it.  It was clearly not me.  

We have moved countless times and it is pushed to the back of the hall closet in it's protective cover.  What can I do with it?  I wouldn't get caught dead in it after I learned more about and understood the murder of poor little animals to make a fur coat.  No I couldn't wear it.  I thought of giving it to the Salvation army or to a homeless person in need of warmth but how would they be treated wearing fur?  Would a PETA representative harass them for possessing such a coat?  No, I couldn't do that to someone else.  And so it hangs in the dark with other wool coats I no longer wear that came from I. Magnin's before they went out of business.  


I am not a fur coat woman.  

The Middle Years

I have reached that point in life where it feels like the mid point of my existence.   I am no longer the child with someone holding my hand, fixing my food, bathing me, tending to my every need.

I am not the young girl playing hide 'n' seek in the neighborhood, climbing fences or trees, playing make believe and pretending , or day dreaming as I lay on my back looking up at the clouds as they flew across the sky.

I am no longer the teen holed up in my room playing loud music, keeping to myself and only finding friends are the ones I wish to hang out with and not my family.  I am not the teen riding my horse on long trail rides alone and in my thoughts wondering about my life and where it will go.

I am no longer 19, the age I was when I married.  On our own, fixing meals packing my Love's lunch, nesting our home, working as well as in college.   A lover, a companion.  Working together side by side on our first home with steel wool pads and paint brushes.  Carefree to do as we pleased.

I am not in my 20's giving birth to three adorable daughters, singing nursery songs, playing with dolls, pushing swings, tending to my family with a bursting heart of joy and overwhelmed at times of what I feel I do not do enough of for them.  Learning, every day learning what it means to be a mother and a wife.  Making a space for me to be alone where once again a horse comes into my days to ride, to groom.

I am not the woman of those days sleeping skin to skin curled up tightly to my Love as if he is all there is in the night to protect me, shelter me, adore me.  The breathing in and out as we lay in quiet with our hands touching each other whereas in the day mine are on our children...running my hands over their heads and through their hair, over a cheek of so soft skin, holding little hands, rocking little ones as I rub their backs cradled in my arms.

I am not the woman in my mid 30's.  Those years where my body craved another child in my womb.  The ache of not wanting to let go of that part of my womanhood.  The hope and the longing and at last the dream was fulfilled.  I was able to give fully into this child growing within me.  Rub my hands over my growing belly, feel the swimming and kicks of him.  My son that I could hardly believe I carried.  And when his day came to leave my swollen womb I cried because I knew that all this would be the last time.  All that led up to my great longing to hold him close to me, breath him in and I did.  Bliss had come.

I am not the woman of her 40's who finds her body going through the ups and downs of PMS.  The nights of sleeplessness, mood swings, weight gain from nowhere.  What does it mean when I don't know this body I have any longer?  The changes so slight yet obvious over those years of perimenopause.  Those years when the little things felt like big things, creating tension over any trial in my day.  The strain of losing Papa and attempting to sooth my mother who was bottomless with her demands.  Only my son gave me peace, only he gave me the illusion of my youth.   My Love braved my moods, he new when to let me be and when to give me his warm arms.  

Where am I now?  Menopause brings a lull...my womb silent, no longer a vessel to be filled with life.  I find this a relief and yet I want so much to do all of it over again.  In my dreams I sometimes give birth.  I can remember the feeling a a 'let down' of my breast, the tingle that comes before the release of my milk.  I can remember my children at my breast looking up at me with drowsy eyes, their fingers curl and uncurl or hold my finger in our quiet hour.  I can quiet the desire easier now.  I find myself looking at children remembering the roundness of a two year old's rosy cheeks.  The smallness of little feet and ticklish toes while I sang "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home".   Reading a bedtime story curled up next to me tucked in their bed.  I do miss those times.   I have the urge to go up to mothers and tell them to absorb all this time with their children.  It passes all too soon, a mantra mothers past mothering say in tender voice. 

These are the days where my daughters are all grown up and away making their own lives.  They come in waves to see us and my Love and I feel that the older they become the less we see them and know them.  How can that be?  These are the days my teen son pulls back from my Love and I, not because he is mad with us but because he needs to become himself separate from us.  I miss and don't miss the teen years.  I want to still be needed.  I want to be a part of their lives.  I don' want them to come see us  because they feel they should but because there is something worthy in being with us.  I want them to understand that we cannot be exactly as we were because we aren't in some ways.  Our minds may not be as sharp, we may repeat, we may get tired more easily, we may forget.  We have much on our minds with the aging of our parents.  Life simply passes by faster with each day that greets us.  

I don't give in.  I may be in my middle years but I have much to still learn and to offer.  I may not be able to go back and be the younger version of myself but I may be the wiser more patient woman I could not be before.  It takes time, years to gain that privilege.  I am on a path of humility.  A path a woman of 50 takes is a path one doesn't wish to take alone.  I am amazed and feel so blessed that my Love and I are together after 34 years.  Our love bends and pulls to each other.  Our hands still find each other, entwined and comforted by knowing we will be here for each other through whatever comes our way. 

Days of Wine and Roses

I woke up this morning knowing what I was missing.  I felt a bit of guilt in this revelation I had.  (I hate that word guilt.)

*Disclosure:  While I have been writing some utterly honest difficulties with my mom and our relationship....there have been some amazing, wonderful times as well.    

I miss the dinners out.  Oh how I miss the fine food and expensive wine.  My mom pretty much stopped fixing dinners at her home, except for Christmas dinner every now and then after Papa passed away.  We went out a lot when he was alive but after he was gone there were no casual family dinners at her home. No BBQ's.   She gave the BBQ away even though my Love had offered to do the BBQing for her at her home.   She wanted to go out and she would call us to do this almost every other week.  No wasn't really an option.  If we had plans she would make it clear that by not going we had disappointed her and surely we could alter our plans or go the next night to dinner.  Frankly I became unable to make plans.  Just knowing my mom would call me and want to go out prevented me from making plans.  Over months and years I just expected her to call to tell us we were to go out to dinner on the weekend.  Looking at it now, I know I should have just said No and let her deal with it, but you would have to know my mom to understand how hard this is to do.  No is not a part of her vocabulary.

On one hand you could say what a treat to be able to go out to these wonderful restaurants, but all the invitations to dinners were annoying because I would have much rather gone to her house like we use to.  I would have liked her to come to our home for dinner which she didn't really want to do if she could help it.  She would tell me "You don't want to cook. We'll just go out".  Here we could have relaxed and not have to get fussed up in fancy clothes.  Following her stroke, her speech was much softer making it quite hard to hear her at a restaurant.  She would be talking but unless I sat right next to her with my ear next to her head I couldn't really understand her.  I attempted to explain to her that if we were at home I could hear her better but that didn't amount to enough reason to not go out for her.  Sometimes we would go back to her house after a dinner out and sit downstairs, try to talk though most of her talking centered around her life and friends.  We listened, nodded our heads and tried to be good company.  After an hour we would leave.  Our bellies full but our thoughts muddled.  


                           ***********      ************       **********        ************

The food, the glorious food at some of the best restaurants in the Bay Area!  We couldn't afford these places she would choose to go to.  She always paid the bill, always.  If we wanted to go to some place less expensive she would blow it off and say that she would rather go to a place she had in mind.  We tried, because at some point we would have liked to take her out to dinner but well, we do have to pay our mortgage and electric bill.  Paying the tab at her choices would have put us on the street.  If she resented that we didn't pay she never said a thing.  I felt like she wanted us to go as her chaperones so she had company.  All we could do was thank her profusely for taking us out.  Of course there were times we did get her to go to a less expensive place but one still in the Zaget book of which she wanted to consult.

It must be hard for a widow to still want to go places when you no longer have your significant other.  She would go out  with her friends and pick up the tab at their evenings out too.  Her friends claim they tried to pay but she would insist that she was paying.  It was non-negotiable.    Sometimes she would slip the credit card to the waiter before the dinner was over.  Sneaky mom.   

She loved putting a dinner party together at a restaurant.  She has done so many special evenings for her friends as well as for her family from time to time.  She gave me several very large surprise birthday parties at Trader Vic's with one time having Hula Dancers with their musicians.  We had the entire back of the restaurant with waiters all over the place, cocktails and wine flowing.  It was quite a show she would put on.  She would give one of her speeches and all of us would be captivated by her ability to create such an evening so effortlessly.  For my 5oth she did another big birthday bash but it wasn't my 50th but my 49th.  It was really funny for me to have to tell everyone that I loved being with all my  family who were flown in for the event as well as friends I had not seen in awhile, but that I was not 50 yet.  We joked that we could repeat it the following year.  All of her friends thought her so generous, and she was without a doubt just that.  Still it was almost embarrassing with all her extravagance.


Even if it was just the four of us she insisted we order a bottle of red and a bottle of white wine.  Now R. can't drink and most time she was the only one drinking white wine.  No matter, we must have a full bottle.  Never just any bottle either.  My Love made the sad mistake once of just ordering her a glass of white wine and she made it clear that it was not good wine.  


There were the dinner parties that she had the chef especially prepare a multi-course meal for friends and us.  She would call ahead to plan the entire meal from appetizers to dessert and several varieties of wine for each course served.  Yes, it was good. Very, very good!  Still, inside I just wished she could just contain herself and let us order from the menu. The chef would come out and ask us how the meal was and both my mom and the chef would ingratiate each other. 

A stroll down memory lane of  dining....Lalimes,  Prima,  Trader Vic's, Tourelle which became Postino (which was just as delicious) K. celebrated her 16th birthday with a special birthday dinner along with a magician, One Market, Mudd's, Citron, Garibaldi's, Tommy Toy's, Pican, Oliveto, Big 4 Restaurant before we saw and met Ravi Shankar and Anoushka perform, Clift Hotel's Redwood Room before we saw Phantom of the Opera, Fleur De Lys for her birthday one year, ......some still here and some gone....but what glorious food we had. 


Pican....E. and I thought we had died and gone to heaven with the Fried Green Tomatoes with sheep’s milk feta cheese, radish salsa and spicy buttermilk dressing...(we have tried to duplicate because we had to!), their tasty Buttermilk Southern Fried Chicken served with smoked gouda "mac and cheese",  and heavens for the Sorghum Lacquered Duck...mmmmm.


Tommy Toy's....Seafood Bisque ~ Oven baked in a fresh coconut, with puff pastry on top...it stood out because of the uniqueness of it...but every dish incredible....


Lalimes.....fresh organic food perfectly prepared...delicate Black Cod served with a luscious broth and perfectly trimmed petite carrots and fresh green beans....


Trader Vic's....we went there so much...every special occasion.  Harry waited on us hand and foot...making our dinners feel sort of like home because we usually had our own room.  Pupus...of Cheese Bings, Crab Rangoon, BBQ Spareribs and Crispy Prawns.   Crispy Duck with mu shu pancakes,  fresh fish from the wood fire, Halibut or Mahi Mahi,  Won ton Soup,  Chicken Chow Mein with almonds... and always tea with fortune cookies, almond cookies and Trader Vic's mints.   It seemed like we went here so much we all finally burned out on it, but I know the memories of our "special times" will remain...Papa's big 80th Birthday Party a stand out in my mind.  Those years when the men had to wear a jacket to get in.  My Love had to 'use' one of the restaurants early on since he didn't own one.  You see all kind of dress there now.  No dress requirements except maybe shoes.


Our last dinner with my mom was last May 2010.  Two weekends in a row we ate at Oliveto.  I don't really see the fuss in the place personally.  I don't know why she decided that this was her new place to go back to.  Because it is upstairs we need to use the elevator which is down a long corridor of trash containers and such.  It was a long walk for her to go using her cane.  Parking is difficult to obtain as well.  She was convinced that Trader Vic's had closed down though it was just being renovated.  Those last dinners were sad for me.  I would sit across the large round table and straining to hear her and looking at her silly wig that was put on crooked.  I knew that her future was heading down a path none of us would know or be prepared for.  We were together and that was what meant the most to her I believe.


She goes out to dinner with her caregivers or her friends now.  We don't.  My mom can't call me anymore.  She doesn't have the ability to do this.  I call her.  Eating out never comes up and I don't ask.  I don't want her to take us out.  I don't think I can handle the change in her nor that fact that there is all the pretending that nothing 'really' has changed in her manner.  

I well remember those days of trying to get the kids 'dressed' for dinners out.  So much hassle, so many times running around telling them to hurry up and put something nice on.  Someone asking where are we going, why do we have to dress up, why can't we eat somewhere else and so on.  So many times I just wanted to scream.  I just wanted to stay home.  I just wanted to be a normal family who ate at an ordinary place where I could wear my jeans.  I would do it for Papa....I don't know why but I would and did.  I liked watching him choose a wine for the evening.  Watching him taste it as it was poured into a wine glass..."Yes, it's fine" he would say.  I liked him smiling at the kids asking them what they were up to.  They would answer him with faces smiling.  He had this way of making everything better.

Eating together as a family is the most important tradition I stand by.  We always eat at the table together in our home.  No phone calls.   If it was quiet so be it.  It there was a discussion so be it.  If there was laughter all the better.  These days with most of children elsewhere or caught up in their own lives, eating together still holds a specialness to looking into each others faces and eyes.  Listening to what is new or going on in their lives.  Sometimes I catch myself just absorbing the time together.  Photographing it in my head.  

Maybe we can't go to all those places we use to but hey, maybe once in awhile, for a special time we could if we really wanted to.  Times change, people age, places close, new places open.  Forward we go....I could use a bit of dessert now.  Can't forget about the desserts.....