What Lies Beneath

I slept horribly that night following my surgery.  Even with all the pillow support and the sling holding my dead weight arm in place I couldn't help but think I would wake up in agony.  Instead I would wake up and hope I would just fall back to sleep.  I touched my fingers which still had no feeling and I couldn't decide if it was better to not feel a thing or to have pain.  Pain doesn't sound good but the absence of feeling is just odd.

After tossing and turning most of the night, giving my Love a bad night's sleep as well, I lay in bed with no discomfort.  I looked at my new 'cast' that was so much bigger than the previous one.  The new sling  snugly covered my arm, which felt just as heavy as the day before.  Still no discomfort as I expected.   Just the same I took the pain medication to be ahead of whatever may happen.  

Around noon time I began to have some feeling in my thumb.  It was tingly but at least feeling had come back.   I really worried that I would never be able to feel my arm which just flopped around if I wasn't careful.  Good reason to keep the sling on!  As the day went on gradually all feeling was restored.  Pain was not bad whatsoever.  I lay in bed, watched TV and was waited on which felt really good but I am not a TV/layaround person so I was bored.  The family were going over to my sister by marriage's home where my daughter K. was fixing a special Mexican meal.  I wanted to go but really felt  and was encouraged to just take it easy.  

Good thing I didn't go as the next day late in the afternoon I started to feel kind of off.  By Monday morning I was feeling really sick to my stomach.   I must of picked up a virus and now I was nauseous as well as severely constipated.  The medication in addition had plugged me up.  What a day.  My daughter K. and her boyfriend B. were to leave that day to head up to Washington state and I once again could not enjoy there being at home.  I just kept thinking why is all this going on?  

Let's see, a pity party is forming in my head.  My mom is in the Geri-Psych ward, I just had wrist surgery, I have a stomach virus and on top of that constipation.  I sent my daughter E. off to get me some kind of a laxative.  I am extremely grateful for having E. here to do this.  I am home alone the rest of the day as my Love has the big job to do, R. is at school, E. had to go back to work and K. has left.  I was so weak and miserable.  Every so often I managed to go to the kitchen and drink water and I somehow managed to even warm some broth up which helped my strength. 

Gratitude is when you begin to feel better.

As the week went on I felt more like me as and I was getting use to wearing that 'Tree Trunk' cast on my arm.  I was  looking forward to my Dr. visit on the Friday coming up.  At the office my Dr. comes in asks how the week has been and then says he will remove the cast/splint which I have had on exactly one week.   Today I will get another cast!   If felt weird as he removed it but nothing like when it was gone. 

The weakness of my arm, the discomfort and the queasiness of looking at the long incision just about made me shake.   Next was new x-rays of my wrist with all the gadgets inside.  I couldn't wait to see what was underneath my skin.  Boy was my arm sore!  I couldn't believe how uncomfortable I would be and I now wish I had taken something before I came.  I  asked the nurse if I could have copies of the x-rays as I knew the family would enjoy seeing my new hardware.

Next Dan the Tech. calls me in and says he is going to put my new cast on. I ask him if they have any Advil and he found some for me to take.  At least in a half hour I should have some relief.   He asks what color cast I would like and after a brief time of joking with him I decided on bright pink.  Yes it was bright, more like Hot Pink.  I was glad to have the support back on my wrist and the warmth of the cast being put on felt soothing.

So here is what is inside my arm.  We have looked at these x-rays and marveled at what I have inside me now and forever.  I had no idea that many screws would need to be used or that it would be as large a T plate as it is.  I am grateful that I have this Dr. who did such a fine job as well.

I sII 

Fall Fest.....

I am feeling a bit sad this morning.  I have been thinking about how I could pull off throwing the Fall Fest I have been doing since 2005.  Yes, I did skip one year and skipping a year isn't the end...really.  Yet with each year my little nieces and nephews, not to mention my son, grow up more and more.  If I skip a year will the pleasure of coming to Auntie Ellen and Uncle Tim's party fade away?  Will they become busy with other things they would rather do?  I knew that would be a possibility in having the Fall Fest that I could have them interested for only so long.  Kids do grow up and they have friends who may have Halloween parties or school activities that will take precedence over our family party.  I really do understand this.

It just is hard to maybe see it pass away when that day comes.  


My Love has been the Wizard every year since the beginning.  The little ones never ever knew this.  My Love was so excited to plan what the Wizard would do and say.  We have a teepee that the girls were given ages ago that my Love decided would sit on the front lawn.  That teepee....it has been to Burning Man and it has endured the cubby area below the house with all the musty smell absorbing it's canvas fabric.  A dead rat was found in it one year requiring a thorough cleaning and airing out.  I think that has given it it's character.  With the help of R., father and son set up a spooky entrance as well as decorating the walk to the teepee.  Each year we have added a bit more or changed how one gets to the teepee. 

All of us go to visit the Wizard.  My Love pretending he is the Wizard is in all his glory.  Each child sits before him usually one at a time, a Persian carpet spread on the floor of the teepee, the Wizard on a throne.  Between them is a crystal globe and a lantern off to the side casts shadows on the canvas walls.  The kids faces entranced with this man before them.  Sort of like a Santa without the 'Ho ho hoing' yet with a magical slow waving of his arm's in gestures, telling a fortune, asking questions of them.  Yes, there was magic.  A couple of my nephews have figured it out and have become more bold with their seeing the Wizard.  How long before the magic for them ends?  He wears a deep blue velvet robe, tall blue and silver hat and full gray beard and hair, each year the beard taking on a bit more tangled and dreadlocked.

We sit outside earlier in the evening, before the Wizard appears having seasonal appetizers and wine.  Later is dinner with me always fixing for the kids Mummy Hot Dogs and Curly Fries.  The kids some years have carved pumpkins and played games.  Lots of photos are taken as all are asked to come in costume!  We spend much time thinking of what or who we will be this night the month before.  The excitement of dressing up and seeing what everyone else will come dressed in makes my Love and I anticipate the evening ahead.   Even R. who clearly is feeling too old for much of this now, gets into it in the end.  That is what I had hoped.  That no matter the age there would be this tradition of family getting together for a night to be silly, a night to laugh at each other.  

So why can't I do it this year?  My wrist mainly.  I can't cook without much help.  I feel like all I do is ask for help and I am getting tired of asking for help.  How much should I keep asking my Love to do?  The man is tired.  He has been working at his job and coming home to do more work here of what I can't do.  Can I really throw a  party?  I just don't think I truly can.  By now I would have set a date, I would have started planning, and having my Love bring down boxes of Halloween decorations to put around the house.  Planning would have come up as to how we would decorate the front yard the decision of how spooky to make it for the little ones who I don't want to scare.  

I will be okay with this skipped year.  Maybe just have a Halloween dinner with our sister and brother by marriage as we did last year.  Watch a scary movie...plan for next year.....

Buttermilk and Cornbread

     I was driving home from my Cervical Chiropractor after having to have x-rays and a double adjustment and trying to think about what I could eat tonight for dinner.  You see, after my wrist surgery I started having weird jaw problems.  I have been going to this Chiropractor for just over a year and the man is simple amazing.  I have learned more about my neck, my body and my emotional mind in regards to the health of my spine than I ever knew before becoming his patient.  

     I kept thinking ever since I broke my wrist, followed by the different casts as well as the surgery, that I was so lucky my neck was just fine.  I figured my neck surely would have gone out of alignment and yet here I was with no issues.  Then a couple of weeks after my surgery I started having popping in my right side of my jaw when I ate.  That moved on to my not wanting to eat on that side as it began to be achy and odd feeling.  Within days after that I had an ache down the right side of my shoulder blade.  Yet I couldn't think of it being a neck problem until that ache down my back.  I called my sister by marriage who confirmed to me that I should go see the chiropractor as that was a neck issue.  

     I went in and though my neck looked good on the heat scan I was not feeling good with him doing the hands on of my neck.  I was out of adjustment.   A quick adjustment and I was on the road thinking relief and still surprised how the body reacts.  For the next ten days I felt good or I had the popping begin, then it would come and then it would go.  I tried to ignore it and just thought since it would go away it must not be out.  

     At the beginning of this week my jaw seemed to become uncomfortable with chewing just as before.  I found myself once again avoiding the right side of my mouth.  The popping was annoying.  I went in and I was out of alignment.  Another quick adjustment and he told me to avoid chewy food, stiffle yawns and felt it would be okay but come in a week later for a check.  I left crossing my fingers that it would get better.  I just am tired of having so much on my plate with the wrist and my mom.  I don't need my neck to act up as well.  

     The next day I was hoping that all was fine but when I tried to eat breakfast it just didn't seem right.  I was popping every time  I chewed, then it began to be sore on my jawline.  Evening came and I yawned and that is when it really hurt!  I called this morning to get in and though I hate to have to go in it clearly wasn't holding.  The thing I really like about this guy is that he doesn't want to adjust you.  He wants the body to heal itself.  So when I have to be adjusted a part of me feels like my body failed.  He doesn't tell me that, quite the opposite but I still wish my body would cooperate.  

Not me but this is what he does to do an adjustment.  Magic....

     At my visit we discussed the possibility of when I was Intubated that it was likely my neck was put in an odd position that messed with my neck.  He did some x-rays to determine what was going on.  Sure enough two of my vertebrae were locked up.  So now I feel good.  I felt like this did the trick.  Still I was told to eat soft food, stiffle the yawns, do some ice and believe me I will do what he said.

     So what does this have to do with cornbread and buttermilk?  Thinking of soft food I thought of my Nan.  I remembered her crumbling cornbread up in a tall glass and then poring buttermilk till the glass was full.  She would eat it with a spoon.  I thought it was yucky as a kid.  I don't know if I would eat that now though I do love buttermilk and I do love cornbread, but not together.  What sounded good though was milk bread.  I thought some slices of cinnamon swirl bread with warmed milk sounded heavenly.  Sounded comforting.  It would be soft and oh so tasty.  I thought of when I was little that milk bread was a dish that was given to you when you were ill.  Why not use something other than plain white bread?  I actually wish we had some cinnamon swirl so I could have it but we don't.  Maybe this weekend I'll buy some at the Farmer's Market, fix myself a bowl and see if it is as good as I imagine it to be.  I wish my Nan was here to fix it for me too.  

     Keeping my power of the healing body that this neck will stay in alignment.  Grateful that I have this Chiropractor to help when needed. 

The birth of Megan

     The day of your birth was a warm Indian Summer day, October 3rd.  Somehow I felt within me that you would be born that day....I wrote this 25 years ago...I have revised it some but these are my words of that very special day.

     I awoke feeling contractions, yet thought that this was just more of the false labor that I had been feeling for the past weeks off and on.  Not at all uncomfortable, but they made me wonder if it could be the real thing.  I took my 6:00 AM shower as I always do, made my Love lunch, ate breakfast with him and the girls, then got the girls and myself dressed for the day.  After my Love left for work I started thinking more about these contractions and began to time them and jot that down on paper.  Not that close together.  Not that strong but they were there. 

     Kristin, our oldest daughter went off to Kindergarten leaving Erin, her sister and I to ourselves.  I started feeling excited and alive with an inner energy that I had never felt before.  It was a healing feeling that soothed over me a lot of the moods and discomforts I had experienced with this pregnancy.  I felt much closer to this child within me who went through my up and down times.  I sat many times in my rocking chair up in my bedroom dreaming of you my baby to be, feeling you kick and swim gracefully in your water world.  I sang to you of songs of love, of the joy of being with child and of when my arms would hold you and rock you.  So much inner thought waves seemed to be passing through us as though we knew our time as one would soon pass.  Our life as two, mother and baby would begin...excitement and yet I would miss this time in my life as I love being pregnant.  I love how my body changes, I am in awe of this gift as a woman, that I am able to nurture a life inside me.  I realized this might be my last time of being pregnant and though I was wanting this baby in my arms I mourned the memory of the feeling of being pregnant.  The first fluttering movements like butterfly wings, the rubbing my belly where your tiny feet stretched out , the knowing so intimately the feelings I held.

     Before my Love had left for work I did not say anything about my contractions.  I just didn't believe that this was it, yet I did.  I don't know why.....

     My contractions had started to get closer together so I thought it would be good to do something to take my mind off of them that way if it wasn't the real thing it would stop.   Around 10:15 AM, Erin and I decided to go for a walk and visit a friend who lived down the street.  I figured that talking would take my mind off the contractions which were now 8 to 10 minutes apart.  They had begun to become more noticeable and I could positively feel them grip at me yet I could not make myself believe that this was real.

     Outside was a beautiful blue sky.  A very warm wind was blowing the dry leaves all around the sidewalks.  Fall was just around the corner yet summer had not decided to leave yet.  Cool nights, warm days.  There is a unique smell this time of year and only then before the crispness of Fall begins.  I shall always remember that smell and how I felt that day.  I could tell it would be hot later on and I thought "Oh no!  I'm going to have this baby on a hot Indian Summer day just like I kept saying I hoped I wouldn't!"   Walking down the street I breathed deeply, as much for the aroma of the the air as for the comfort of the contractions.   I thought of calling my Love  but resisted, not yet, not till I was sure.  I didn't know what sign I expected but I just waited.


     It is a silly, scary, funny, overwhelming, mixed up, wonderful feeling when you realize you are walking around and you are in labor.  Especially when you are without your partner.  It is almost magical in what your body is doing inside. 


     At the time that I arrived at my friend Debbie's house until I left there, my body really began working.  The contractions became much more strong yet about the same time between.  I was having trouble talking and having a hard time sitting still while I was having the contractions yet I didn't  want to tell Debbie.   I still not believe this.  At about 11:15 AM I was feeling too uncomfortable sitting when the pains came. I decided it was to time to leave.  Walking home I became frightened.  Here I was with a two and a half year old, me in labor yet still trying to to deny it, without my Love.  Would I make it home?  I felt if I could just get inside our home that I would feel more secure, that things would change.  Labor would stop.  I didn't feel ready.  Being alone was not fun.


     I made it home and even managed to fix Erin her lunch.  That was not easy since at this time I was shaking.  Contractions were about 5 to 8 minutes apart and at times 4 minutes.  Believe it Ellen!


     My mother by marriage Betty, called and I still did not let on.  It was very difficult to talk and our conversation was short.  She came by not too long after.  I can't even remember why she came since I was so wrapped up in my contractions.  She sat with Erin for a bit and played then she left.  I wonder if she thought something seemed different about me?


     After she left I decided I had to call my Love.  I needed him badly.  At the time he was building a home for his cousins about a 35 to 40 minute drive from where we lived without a phone (this was before cell phones).  I was suppose to call the neighbors next door to the job  but they didn't answer.  Panic!  I'll have the baby alone is the crazy thought I had.    I remember that I can call dear Arleen and Clark who live in the town where the job is as well.  Clark says he will drive over to my Love and tell him to come home.   I called next to page Peggy my midwife.  She calls me back within minutes.  I tell her all that has happened and proceed to tell her that I hope it is not a false labor alarm.  Silly me...of course it is labor!  Contractions are about 3 to 5 minutes apart and I am having to use my breathing and my "Ah's" sound.  The pains hurt in my lower back and I hope that this will not be back labor as with my other two labors.  


     Erin is being so good.  I try to explain why I am swaying and saying "Ahhhhh" but she must think mommy is weird.  Please Peggy, my Love and Sandy the other midwife who is to help at the birth, please come now!  This is really it!  I was feeling so emotional.  Talking to Peggy on the phone I was almost in tears.  I wondered if I could hold it together till they arrived.


     It seems like forever before my Love comes home but at last he arrives.  It must have been around 1:00 PM.  I was so relieved to have him home with me.  I would be able to have our baby!  We gave each other a big hug.  I was giddy and I was shaky.  My Love thought he should call my mom to get Erin and Kristin as was the plan.  This would keep my mother busy instead of hovering over us all making me nervous.  No answer so we finally leave a message at Papa's office.  Next he calls Betty to come back over as she is the back up for the girls.  Then he calls Mary who is to take photos of the birth.  Lastly he calls Sue is sister to come as she is to be at the birth as well.  In the meantime Erin is quite happy playing by herself, with no care in the world.


     I am rocking and swaying my hips with my contractions which have become much closer together and longer in duration.  I barely have time in between to talk to my Love.  About 1:15  Sandy the other midwife arrives.  She does a check on me and I am dilated to 5 centimeters.  I am delighted!  She calls Peggy to let her know how I am doing and that I am moving along.  This will not be a long labor and tells Peggy to hurry.  She also wanted to know where Kay, the Midwife in training, is as she is not here and she has most of the equipment needed.


     My poor Love, he thought he would be able to take a shower before all the activity built up.  Forget that!  He and Sandy get our bed ready for the birth, bottom sheet, waterproof pad and another bottom sheet that have been ready in a bag are put on.  About that time Betty arrives to tend to Erin.   She is very excited and spreads such good cheer for us all.


     My contractions sometimes come back to back.  Double wammies as I call them.  Standing and leaning against the wall or my Love is the most comfortable position for me with my swaying hips as I say my "Aaahhhhs", keeping my mouth soft and open just as I want my body to be.  Open and relaxed to let this baby move down and out.


     My mom, Sue and Kay arrive, I hardly look up to say "hello", I'm too busy working!  Peggy makes it with her nine month old son and her Au Pair.  I feel so content that she has come.  I need her gentle, familiar presence as she was my midwife for Erin and also my childbirth teacher.  She is my mentor, she is the guiding force for me, I can't imagine her not here.  Another check, baby is doing great.  


     I am so hot.  The suggestion of a shower comes up.  No, but a bath sounds wonderful to me.  A delicious cool bath.  The contractions like it too.  Enough to cool me down as well but then I start to feel caged and disoriented.  Where do I go?  I am so unsettled as where to be in my home.  Do I walk some more, should I sit or lie down?  I begin to tire of this labor business.  All three midwives decide on another check and I can hardly believe them when they say I am 8 centimeters!  Then it is back to breathing, walking, standing, breathing, and swaying.


     The next check comes not long after the last one because they notice that I am sounding like I am bearing down.  I'm not sure really if I'm beginning to push or not but I do feel different.  In between contractions I feel great.  In fact they seem to have let up a bit.

     Mary the photographer arrives just in time to hear that I am fully dilated.  So fast! I don't believe any of them.  I feel too clear in my head.  Where was transition?

                                                                 Sandy and Peggy


     My waters were still intact but bulging.  The question came up as to whether we should break them.  We decide to.  The sensation of that feeling is warm and dreamy but only for seconds because then my contractions become quite intense and in earnest.


     I change to a side position but quickly decide that feels uncomfortable and awkward for me.  The pushing really hurts.  I don't like this one bit.  When will this baby pop out?  I go to a semi-sitting position and Peggy tells me to look at the mirror to see our baby's head as it peeks and hides and then I see the crowning of our baby.  I begin to feel in touch with this little baby who wants out as much as I want he / she out.  I feel so impatient!  I also become scared since it seems it is taking forever.  The excitement in the room builds and my efforts of pushing take on a urgency within me.  The feeling of letting go, to allow your body to release and let birth happen is difficult for me.  I know that if I let go that the pain will be real.  I know I can handle this as I did before, I know that my dearest Love is here to support me through this, but most of all my Peggy is beside me, talking in my ear "Down and out Ellen, down and out".  She is the birth whisper.  Her voice lulls me to follow her gentle direction to bring this child out of it's water world.  It is obvious that I am once again having back labor. 


     Peggy is close to my head, calmly and gently pulling me back to a quiet state.  She helps remind me how to push more efficiently.  I am so happy as well as relieved that she is here.  My Love has his hands on our child's head along with Kay the midwife as the rotation happens.  He has never had this experience and is worried he will hurt our baby with the turning.  He is encouraged by all the midwives he is doing just fine.  One push and baby's head appears.  Where is the rest?  Will I be stuck like this forever?  The pain is incredibly intense for this part.  The shoulders hurt so much coming and then with a slippery whoosh of the last amniotic water out then up to my chest our baby arrives! The blue shades melt into pink as she cries out.  How can one describe this sight?   Joy....words escape me for the profound feelings I have.  Tears of joy.


     My Love who helped with Kay guide our child to the world comes next to me where Peggy had been.  We look at this beautiful baby, perfect in every way.  Our little girl.....Megan born at 3:19 PM.

My Love, Megan and I

Papa, Erin, Kristin, Megan and I

     My timing of giving birth was perfect.  School kids were just walking to their homes while we were absorbing the birth.  Our windows wide open to catch any small breeze in the hot bedroom, our ceiling fan whirling round attempting to cool the air.  Had I still been in labor all the kids on the street would have heard me and more than likely most would have stood below our french doors to our driveway below for the entertainment they would have heard.  We lived in a neighborhood of days gone by where all the children of different ages played together.  Doors during the day were unlocked, most of the mothers were stay at home moms.  It was just several weeks before while I was taking a bath with Erin two of the neighborhood sister's came walking in.  They looked at my huge belly and smiled at me as they chatted, wanting to know if Kristin and Erin could come play.  Yes, I would have made good entertainment that day.  News traveled quickly that our family had a new little girl just as our daughters  were brought home to meet their little sister.   My mom still in shock that I would ever have a baby at home, and Papa smiling at the scene.  Wine was opened, crackers and cheese, laughter and smiles.  It was a fine Indian Summer Day...it was a good day for a birth.

                                                         
                                                                 My Love and his baby girl

              
                                                          Auntie Sue and Megan


   **My Midwife Peggy wrote a book back in 2002...Baby Catcher...I highly recommend it for she writes so well and believe me the stories are amazing!
 

Simon and Garfunkel - Old Friends

      I adore this song.  When Simon and Garfunkel sang this song how could one not be moved by these dear words.  It was the last part that has always brought tears to my eyes. 

A time it was
It was a time
A time of innocence
A time of confidences

Long ago it must be
I have a photograph
Preserve your memories
They're all that's left you 

     A day doesn't go by that I don't have a memory of a family member, here or gone that I long to have them near me.  A special day  that is forever as fresh in my memory as the day it happened. 

                                     My Nan and I   ~  I dearly love this photo


     The line " Long ago it must be I have a photograph" , yes that is why I want to take photographs.  Yes that is why I never tire of looking at photographs be they old ones or new.  The joy of sharing them with family is like a tradition to pass on.  

                          My Wedding day   1977  ~  Papa looking at me and I looking to my Love


     I try real hard to not think about when I am long gone from this world, perhaps a time when my own children are aged,  that my albums, CD's and DVD's will be unappreciated by those whose possessions they are with.  They may look at them and ask who is in the picture (even if I do keep clear labels on them) or where was that taken.

                                                                                        My Love on Papa's sailboat  ~  1975



     I have been to Antique Fairs where piles of vintage photos are in boxes where people plow through them looking at faces and the style of clothes that were worn at that time.  I have seen old vintage albums there as well and wondered who gave up these once precious family treasures?  Did know one want them anymore?

                                                                                                  My three little girls    ~    1989





     My mom had many photos that I did discard, though they were with all due respect,  have no personal value as they were scenery shots with know one in them.  It was special only to the time and place and to whoever was there when it was taken.  I have saved my own like that as well.  More so because of using a digital camera I can shoot to my heart's content of flowers, trees, clouds, mountains, sunsets and sunrises.  Do I expect any of my family to care about them?  Of course not.

                                                                      R. hula-hooping  ~   Oh can he go!    ~    2000


       Memories in those photographs that need no words.  The image caught in a split second of time.  Time... that passes all too quickly where what was, and what we use to do,  and where we went are fleeting times of days gone by.....

A time it was 
It was a time

Peace Never Felt So Fine

     I hear my name called, softly, several times.  I utter something like "yes", but I really want to just be in the state I am in.  Peace.  Again my name.  Hhhhmmm...my thoughts...what?  My eyes closed I just want to enjoy this separate space of peace.  Complete peace.

     The voice wants to know if I want water.  Well, that does sound nice.  I have a vague ability of how to sip water from a straw.  How did I know how to do that?  How did I know the straw was near my mouth?  I sip. Nice.  Back to my twilight world.  Thank you.

    The voice comes once more.  Water.  Yes.  Sip.  "Ellen time to get dress."  Okay.  I have no memory truly of the process but then again I do.  I hear the voices talking..."oh here is her sling".  "Well, we have this one on her already".


     "Your daughter is here Ellen".  I think okay.  I attempt to open my eyes and see my K. through blurry eyelids.  


      "Ready to go home?"  I was enjoying the peace, the nothingness.  Home?  That does not register in my peaceful state.


     My upper body is lifted to an upright sitting position.  I open my eyes and utter my deepest "thank you" to the nurses.  Really.  They all have been so kind and gentle.


    I hear the voice talking to my daughter about what I should do once I leave.  What to expect in the next so many hours.  Blah, blah, blah...I was so enjoying the peace.


    The voice says it is time to get into the wheelchair and amazingly my legs follow her directions.  Wow!  The door to sunlight hits my eyes like coming out of a very dark room.  Assaulted.  The jarring of the wheelchair wheels on the pavement wakes me more and I at last truly open my eyes.  The peace has begun to fade to reality.  I had surgery.  Yes.  It is over.  Yes.  I am going home now.  Yes.

     Guess it all went okay.  


     The drive home with K. driving and B. in the passenger side, I on the backseat.  I feel like a little kid as I remember being buckled in.  I didn't do that.  Who did?  I gaze down at my arm in a navy blue sling.  Not the one I came in.  It seems too small or my new setup is larger.  Did the nurse say something about my arm being numb?  I remember that Dr. L. said that following surgery my arm would be numb from the elbow down for up to 8 hours or more.  Oh that must be why my fingers don't move.  Weird.  

     There is some chatting between us all but now I don't have a memory of any of it.  When we arrive home I am able to manage getting out of the car and the ability to climb upon my high bed.  K. tucks me in.  She asks if I want anything.  Water or tea?  I don't remember now.  I wanted toast, lightly buttered.  B. brings me two slices that I savor.  The best toast I have had I think to myself.  B. is my hero.  He knew what to do when I fell and now he knows how to make me toast!  I realize I am quite loopy.
   

Slings need Bling

     I slept horribly.  How to find a position where my arm is elevated was nothing less than impossible that first night.  The following night I made sure to have extra pillows on hand and that made it a tad better.  

     Dressing and undressing, showering, all take effort and I was so tired afterwords.  Still I got creative as in the blow drying of my hair.   The show must go on in my daily life after all!  Still there is much I am unable to do.  My Love, K. and B. help out greatly.  Cooking duty is off my list unless you count stirring and light duties, but I feel more in the way than of help. 

     My appointment with Dr. S. is four days later after my ER visit.  My first day driving the freeway and I do fine.  More x-rays after all I already have had (I counted nine) and then he will try to schedule me in for surgery on Friday of that week.  I need to get blood work and an EKG which I do once I leave his office.  My mind is just set on "Getting this show going!"  I want it all over and to have my life back.


     Yes, life goes on.  Ryan started his first week of High School.    My Love starts a big job where he is not able to really help out as much as he would have liked to but I do have K. here though I am disappointed as we can't do fun stuff that I thought we would.  I want her to have fun and not nursemaid me.  I want to be out of the heavy splint/cast that wear.  Though I need to wear a sling I rarely carry the weight on my neck for fear my neck will get in a fix.  I have joked that slings should come in decorative prints or with some bling on them.  Mine is black and while it doesn't show any dirt I do have to clean lint and dog hair off it daily. 


     At last the day comes for my surgery.  I asked my sister by marriage to take me and K. and B. will bring me home.  I felt calm simply because I knew it was out of my hands.  I need to fill out more paperwork, sign them then wait.  S. stays with me even though I tell her I am fine that she can leave me.  No she stays and I am grateful that I have this wonderful woman in my life.


     My name is called and I tell S. goodbye.  The nurse tells S. there will be much to be done and not much room for visitors.  I followed the nurse past gurney beds, some with curtains drawn around them and others empty.  Mine is the last bed in a second area.  I am asked to remove all my clothes and put the gown that is on the bed on.  I decide I should go pee one more time.  I come back and draw the curtain and I place what I have in the plastic handled bag that is provided.  I climb onto the bed and let them know I am done. 


     A young nurse pulls the curtain back and says she needs to put the compression hose on me.  I laugh and say I will help as well as I can too.  The hose are white and remind me of white tights I might have worn as a kid except they are not pantyhose.  I joke as she struggles to pull them up, that all I need is a garter belt!  Next I am covered with a warm blanket.  The second mid age nurse asks me many questions that I answer for her.  She has me mark the arm that I am to have surgery on with the Dr.'s initials, I. S.  I sign some more papers.  The young nurse has me put on a surgery cap which she calls my "Party Hat".  She says they all are going to wear their party hats too.


     Next comes the setting up of my I.V. which the mid age nurse did quickly and painlessly.  She then moves on to my broken wrist and removes the splint/cast.  She places a pad on top of a pillow and ever so gently washes my arm.  The tender care, and her kind voice calm me and I almost have no concern for what is going to take place soon.  


     The two nurses done with the surgery prep close the curtains around me and I wait.  I hear next to me a woman being told to "let the gas out".  I wondered what she had done.  I hear conversation of a Dr. to a family member of how the procedure went.  It seems busy and active outside my curtained space.


     My curtain is opened an the nurse says they need to move me to another area.  I am rolled down near the door to the surgery suites.  The nurses desk is near me and I overhear that my EKG workup as yet to have arrived and they are calling about it once again.  I ask for a pillow to put under my knees as I feel uncomfortable laying flat.  The two ladies next to me are not feeling well.  They have migraines and are dehydrated.  I find out they are sisters that are having colonoscopies.  What an odd thing to do together.  

     I overhear them still calling about my EKG and them not having it.    I also hear that my Dr. is not there yet as well.  Patience I tell myself.  Breath.  Think of a pleasant event.  My curtain is opened and my anesthesiologist Dr. L. comes in to introduce himself to me.  We had talked on the phone the previous night where he asked a lot of questions and told me what kind of "cocktail" he would be giving me.  It is nice to see him in person before he knocks me out.  Everyone here is as nice as can be.  

     My curtain is opened one last time.  They are at last ready to roll!  My bed is wheeled into the Surgery Center's surgery suite.  I have to transfer to the surgical table and that is when I fully understand what is going to take place.  How silly I felt in my hospital gown, white compression hose, and my "party hat", attempting to transfer with my bad wrist held gently as I lift my tush to slide across.  These nurses seeing "all", all day and everyday.  I was cold and ask why it is chilly in here.  My teeth begin to do the nervous/cold chatter.  A warm blanket settles over me as the nurse explains that once the lamps overhead turn on it will get quite warm in here.  I looked at those large lamps and try to imagine how bright they will be.  Dr. L. says he is going to get started as Dr. S. will be in soon and that is all that I last remember.  That simple.  Out for several hours while my Dr. S. places a T-plate and screws in my damaged wrist.