Saturday, January 21, 2012

Getting tired of the monkey business

This week ended on a sour note.  Now listen up all of you.   I'm going to say this REALLY LOUD so you can hear.   When you get old, don't act like nothing is wrong, that if you are an invalid you don't need help, that if you can't hear get hearing aids and don't act like your family doesn't matter.   There.

Why my raised voice?  Let me just tell you that it is true, when you get old it isn't always fun.  You're not 20 anymore.   Let's meander down the days events starting on Wednesday.....hear the birdies singing gaily?  Nope, neither do I.

As  a background, my mother by marriage has been in Assisted Care for about 6 weeks following a nasty awful fall in her shower.  Father by marriage called for help in getting her up,  only he was to be found all snug in bed while dear mother by marriage is left with no towel in the shower.  Let me use MBM and FBM for their respective identity.  FBM seems to be in total denial of how the fall happened (he thought she fell out of bed.  Pray tell how did she wind up in the shower?).  MBM developed a horrible hematoma which eventually burst and created a nasty hole in her hip that has been draining ever since.  Therefore for her safety and healing, the family,  and upon FBM saying he wants her out as he can't take care of her,  (he refuses to have in  home care) she is brought to a lovely Assisted Care place nearby.  Within a day of her departure FBM wants her home, still in denial of how awful (not to mention how painful) her hip is.  She already has a bum hip that prevents her from walking (a whole different story almost as tragic) very well or at all.  She uses a wheelchair most of the time.

Since MBM has been in Assisted care she has had more visitors, better diet, calm environment and great care.  FBM has been swinging like pendulum with her being there.  At times he "gets it" why she is there and most times he feels the family took her while she was weak in the head and against his wishes.  He also doesn't seem to "get it" that her hip needs a long time to heal.  They were actually stuffing the wound with gauze to soak up the drainage coming out.  Now she has a pump with a  hose to remove the drainage which she has to wear constantly.  It is so sad to see the situation unfold for all involved.  Frustration, aggravation, compassion, empathy, and all around with the same thoughts over and over. 

This week on Wednesday a call came that FBM is at Assisted Care to remove MBM and bring her home.  I guess he made a scene and the family was called.  I was the only one available and got there within ten minutes of my Love asking to intervene.  When I arrive they both are sitting at a table for two in the dining room.  It is full of the folks who live here having their luncheon.  I also notice it is rather quiet.  I pull up a chair after greeting them both.  FBM has a sour face and MBM looks like she is trying to hold up with a strong face.  He asks me how we are to get her out and back home.  I calmly tell him she can't go home till the hip is healed.  He thinks it's better and she doesn't need to be here.  I remind him of the pump and he tells me she doesn't use it anymore.  I turn to MBM and say "you still use the pump all the time, right?".  "Yes, all the time".  FBM then says she needs a 30 day notice to get out of here and he doesn't want to pay the money to do this.  It all costs too much is all he can say.  I remind him for her to go home it needs to have her Dr. give the okay and she must have care at home.  He has a list of requirements he must meet at their home such as caregivers and safety needs.  He sits there with this look of disgust and anger though he talks calmly to me.  Then he starts telling me how wrong and bad my Love and his sister are for all they have done.  I look him in the eye and tell him I don't want to hear this talk at all.  That his kids have done so much for them both in loving ways.  He stops and looks at me, maybe a little shocked that I would tell him this.  The dining room feels like whatever ears can hear are all tuned in to our little table.  MBM continues to eat.  I try to make chit chat in changing topics but he looks at me as he stands up and tells me to tell his son (my Love) that they need to talk and he is going to tell him that he can't pay all this money anymore.

Whoooowee...that got handled.  Five minutes after he leaves the dining room comes to life and normal sounds of talking or moving of chairs happens.  The entertainment has stopped.

We find out out Thursday that FBM missed his Dr. appointment on Wednesday as he was at the Assisted Care causing trouble instead.  He was suppose to see his regular Dr. and then after to see a Neurologist.

On Friday morning we are called to be told that all of MBM possessions have been removed by FBM.  What?  My Love drives over to FBM's home to see what is going on.  He finds him vacuuming the floor, talking to himself before he sees my Love.  He denies picking up her personal clothes and possessions though they are in a bag in his car.  He doesn't know how they got there.  He also is saying he wants to divorce her and doesn't want her to come home.  She is mean he says and doesn't love him anymore.  If she comes home he will move out and rent a house somewhere else.  My Love gets him to sit down and have some lunch.  We all feel that FBM has some form of dementia.  They both do.  It is all such a quandary of what to do and what we can do.  None of us have the ability to have an open book with FBM health care.  Certainly we have communicated with the Dr. but legally he can not tell us what he thinks.

After getting FBM calm and fed he brings MBM's items back to her at the Assisted Care.  She denies having helped put her clothes in the bag though that is what she did.  My Love was able to get another appointment with the Dr.s for FBM this week.

Such a mess...such a sad mess.  I sure hope my Love will be able to get him to that appointment and be able to hear what the Dr.s say.


Ms. Moon said...

Oh god. It never ends, does it?
No. It does not.
I am so sorry.

Yvonne said...

It's scary, thinking "There but for the grace of God, go I."


Dreamer said...

There are so many mixed feelings. I have learned so much thru all of this and I pray for when I get old I will be able to make things easy for the family. I will write some reminders so they can read them to me....I hope it works!
Hugs and kisses.


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