Doing the right thing

Mother by Marriage ~ Photo by Megan Frasheski

These past many months have been challenging for my husband's parents and siblings.  The relentless aging process for his parents and how to do the best you can for them as you keep them safe.  The process of this is quite different than with my own mother who set up literally a Fort Knox to keep her family out of her protection.

Mother by marriage (MBM) remains at the Assisted Care and is doing well there.  She still has a the hip wound that refuses to heal and now she has been to a Wound Specialist to aid in the care of it.  Last week the Dr. had to reopen the wound as there is a pocket that won't close up.  I won't even write about what they did as it makes me queasy to even think about it.  

Father by marriage (FBM) mentally is fading....quickly.  It was a success to keep him from driving but that was with some rather humorous ways that he tried to get back behind the steering wheel.  Brother by marriage (BBM) ended up removing the batteries from both cars and that seemed to work even though FBM keep calling to say he needed to go get a battery and would we take him to go buy one.  Then he ended up taking a cab and going to buy one by himself!  My sister by marriage (SBM) was visiting MBM when who should stroll in but FBM.  Big shock when he mentioned that he drove himself.  I failed to say that his license was taken away two weeks before via his Dr.'s recommendation (only because we all had to pressure the Dr. to understand that FBM should not be driving and at last he agreed it was dangerous for him to be behind the wheel).  

My Love went and bought two Clubs that go from the steering wheel to the brake pedal and slipped in the garage without FBM knowing and installed them in both cars.  FBM thinks that the DMV came and installed them!  So now we know he can't drive.  Wheewwww.

We have a caregiver go by the home everyday, and takes him grocery shopping as well as on short errands.  She has also driven him out to visit MBM.  

It's not easy learning how to parent a parent.  I've said before it is not for the faint of heart.  You have to be strong, you have to let go everything you thought of about your parent as the one knows how to tend to themselves.  It takes time for both sides as well as lots of redirecting and patience.

FBM is much like my mom in that he is difficult and can get quite nasty.  I'm glad my mom is beyond that point.  For now my Love and his siblings are learning just as I did how to tackle the onslaught of constant phone calls, demands, flowery four letter words this way and that, the crying, the yelling, the lack of hearing and the understanding that dementia brings with it.

Today an example of how hard it can be to deal with him.  We get a phone call from FBM that he wants to go to Costco.  My Love says he will come pick him up and take him.  A couple minutes later and BBM says he is going to pick up FBM as he wants to go to Costco.  Mmmmhmm.  See, FBM just starts calling.  He doesn't remember if he called or not, he just dials numbers.  We assume then that BBM will take him and my Love doesn't need to go.  5 minutes pass and BBM calls us to say the FBM is mad because he wants to go to Costo and BBM doesn't think there is anything he can't get at the local Safeway and doesn't want to drive him all the way to Costco.  My Love tries to explain that FBM just wants to get out and what is the big deal of not taking him.  They hang up.  Another 5 minutes pass and BBM calls to say that he has left because FBM wouldn't write a list and he wouldn't take him without one.  My Love tells him "Dad can't write a list"....well BBM refused to do the the right thing and said dad is unreasonable.

My Love right now is off to pick up FBM and take him to Costco.  Yes, it is a 1/2 hour to FBM and a 1/2 hour back to Costco, maybe an hour at Costco then 1/2 hour back to FBM's home and then 1/2 hour back to our home.  Maybe.  It might be longer but it will get FBM a chance to get out of the house.  To visit with his son on whatever level it may be.  It will be walking without a list to get who knows what.  Sometimes you have to do this.  It may seem a waste of time but for our elder folk it is all they have to think and do on a given day. 

Fixing a hole...

Another continuing saga with our elderly parents....if you haven't read this you may want to so that you understand what I am writing about......previous post.

Today is just one of those days with FBM,  who decided to abscond MBM and dear Love had to intervene along with a local policeman at the Assisted Care Home she lives at...this is the song I thought of because everyday another hole is made by a very confused, agitated, irrational, volatile, paranoid elderly man, ....catching all this?  Seems that no matter what,  the story will have an unhappy ending as he can't understand or accept that his wife will never be where she once was and will always need care that he can't provide because of his frailty.   Worse still is that his Dr. can't do anymore to help as he doesn't think FBM is incompetent enough to need care himself which floors all of us.  He can't write very well anymore, and can't comprehend or understand verbal dialog except when a part of his brain flips to the up side and he more or less ends the discussion of where he thinks his wife, our mom, needs to be. Then there are the endless phone calls that start bright and early in the morning to his kids of wanting to move her home, not move her home, move her to a V.A. Hospital, change Dr.'s as he doesn't trust her Dr., wants his gun back (another story), thinks his son stole the gun and calls the local police on him (he is doing this almost every other day and the police are getting tired of him calling), he sobs, he wails, he yells and yet the Dr. can't help us except to turn this all over to Social Workers and even that is a whole different can of worms.  


It is a lovely sunny day, I just had our daughter and her fiance visiting for a few days and they have just flown back to the East Coast, youngest daughter came to visit as well and middle daughter hung out with all of us too.  Life can be sweet and I am looking at that rather than the dismal saga that dredges on with FBM.  I love the hugs my children, my adult children share with me.  That is comfort medicine of the best kind.  I am glad that they all had the chance to visit with MBM while they were here as I know this brightened her day.  Hold close your love ones, tell them, show them....and in the meantime we will continue to plug the holes that keep erupting in the aging parents.

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in

And stops my mind from wandering

Where it will go

I'm filling the cracks that ran through the door

And kept my mind from wandering

Where it will go

And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right

Where I belong I'm right

Where I belong.

See the people standing there who disagree and never win

And wonder why they don't get in my door

I'm painting my room in the colourful way

And when my mind is wandering

There I will go

And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right

Where I belong I'm right

Where I belong.

Silly people run around they worry me

And never ask me why they don't get past my door

I'm taking the time for a number of things

That weren't important yesterday

And I still go

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in

And stops my mind from wandering

Where it will go

Getting tired of the monkey business

This week ended on a sour note.  Now listen up all of you.   I'm going to say this REALLY LOUD so you can hear.   When you get old, don't act like nothing is wrong, that if you are an invalid you don't need help, that if you can't hear get hearing aids and don't act like your family doesn't matter.   There.

Why my raised voice?  Let me just tell you that it is true, when you get old it isn't always fun.  You're not 20 anymore.   Let's meander down the days events starting on Wednesday.....hear the birdies singing gaily?  Nope, neither do I.

As  a background, my mother by marriage has been in Assisted Care for about 6 weeks following a nasty awful fall in her shower.  Father by marriage called for help in getting her up,  only he was to be found all snug in bed while dear mother by marriage is left with no towel in the shower.  Let me use MBM and FBM for their respective identity.  FBM seems to be in total denial of how the fall happened (he thought she fell out of bed.  Pray tell how did she wind up in the shower?).  MBM developed a horrible hematoma which eventually burst and created a nasty hole in her hip that has been draining ever since.  Therefore for her safety and healing, the family,  and upon FBM saying he wants her out as he can't take care of her,  (he refuses to have in  home care) she is brought to a lovely Assisted Care place nearby.  Within a day of her departure FBM wants her home, still in denial of how awful (not to mention how painful) her hip is.  She already has a bum hip that prevents her from walking (a whole different story almost as tragic) very well or at all.  She uses a wheelchair most of the time.

Since MBM has been in Assisted care she has had more visitors, better diet, calm environment and great care.  FBM has been swinging like pendulum with her being there.  At times he "gets it" why she is there and most times he feels the family took her while she was weak in the head and against his wishes.  He also doesn't seem to "get it" that her hip needs a long time to heal.  They were actually stuffing the wound with gauze to soak up the drainage coming out.  Now she has a pump with a  hose to remove the drainage which she has to wear constantly.  It is so sad to see the situation unfold for all involved.  Frustration, aggravation, compassion, empathy, and all around with the same thoughts over and over. 

This week on Wednesday a call came that FBM is at Assisted Care to remove MBM and bring her home.  I guess he made a scene and the family was called.  I was the only one available and got there within ten minutes of my Love asking to intervene.  When I arrive they both are sitting at a table for two in the dining room.  It is full of the folks who live here having their luncheon.  I also notice it is rather quiet.  I pull up a chair after greeting them both.  FBM has a sour face and MBM looks like she is trying to hold up with a strong face.  He asks me how we are to get her out and back home.  I calmly tell him she can't go home till the hip is healed.  He thinks it's better and she doesn't need to be here.  I remind him of the pump and he tells me she doesn't use it anymore.  I turn to MBM and say "you still use the pump all the time, right?".  "Yes, all the time".  FBM then says she needs a 30 day notice to get out of here and he doesn't want to pay the money to do this.  It all costs too much is all he can say.  I remind him for her to go home it needs to have her Dr. give the okay and she must have care at home.  He has a list of requirements he must meet at their home such as caregivers and safety needs.  He sits there with this look of disgust and anger though he talks calmly to me.  Then he starts telling me how wrong and bad my Love and his sister are for all they have done.  I look him in the eye and tell him I don't want to hear this talk at all.  That his kids have done so much for them both in loving ways.  He stops and looks at me, maybe a little shocked that I would tell him this.  The dining room feels like whatever ears can hear are all tuned in to our little table.  MBM continues to eat.  I try to make chit chat in changing topics but he looks at me as he stands up and tells me to tell his son (my Love) that they need to talk and he is going to tell him that he can't pay all this money anymore.

Whoooowee...that got handled.  Five minutes after he leaves the dining room comes to life and normal sounds of talking or moving of chairs happens.  The entertainment has stopped.

We find out out Thursday that FBM missed his Dr. appointment on Wednesday as he was at the Assisted Care causing trouble instead.  He was suppose to see his regular Dr. and then after to see a Neurologist.

On Friday morning we are called to be told that all of MBM possessions have been removed by FBM.  What?  My Love drives over to FBM's home to see what is going on.  He finds him vacuuming the floor, talking to himself before he sees my Love.  He denies picking up her personal clothes and possessions though they are in a bag in his car.  He doesn't know how they got there.  He also is saying he wants to divorce her and doesn't want her to come home.  She is mean he says and doesn't love him anymore.  If she comes home he will move out and rent a house somewhere else.  My Love gets him to sit down and have some lunch.  We all feel that FBM has some form of dementia.  They both do.  It is all such a quandary of what to do and what we can do.  None of us have the ability to have an open book with FBM health care.  Certainly we have communicated with the Dr. but legally he can not tell us what he thinks.

After getting FBM calm and fed he brings MBM's items back to her at the Assisted Care.  She denies having helped put her clothes in the bag though that is what she did.  My Love was able to get another appointment with the Dr.s for FBM this week.

Such a mess...such a sad mess.  I sure hope my Love will be able to get him to that appointment and be able to hear what the Dr.s say.