She left her home on Monday with a bright red sweatshirt on, riding her bike and went to school. She didn't stay but got on a Bart train heading to San Francisco. A photo of her exiting the station shows her with her bike, wearing earphones for an iPod. The last image of a beautiful young woman.
What happened to Allison? What triggered her to leave with the intent to end her life? I am torn up inside with the questions. She was 15 years young the same age as my son. She felt she had no friends is what my son heard. They went to different high schools in our town, he didn't know her. My son tells me this as we drive home from school today.
I want to hug my son but I am driving the car in the crazy school traffic outside the campus. I tell him what he already knows, that he can talk to his dad and I anytime about anything. That we love him so very much. That he is loved by all his family.
Allison left a trail. I want to believe she wanted to be found and did not want to end her life, for why ever else would she have done this? On her computer it showed directions from the Dublin Bart station to the Golden Gate Bridge. Her bike was found, locked, in the Presidio area in San Francisco near the Golden Gate Bridge. She left a suicide note at home and was considered "at risk". Was she "at risk" before or because of the note?
They know she went onto that bridge because they have found footage of this on the two cameras at either end of the bridge. She never walked off.
So now her family waits for the discovery of her body. The pain they all must be feeling. The pain Allison must have felt to plan her last day, her last moments.
I have never been so sad or depressed to feel that I can not live in this world any longer. I can't know that pain. I only know that I wish that she could have been helped to know she was loved. That she had a full life ahead of her. She was in sports and will be missed by her teammates. She will never get to go to Junior Prom or the Senior Ball. She will never graduate from High School or go to college. Never travel, never explore. She will never find the love of a soul mate or have children of her own to love.
I hope that in the sweet hereafter Allison is being held in loving arms. Surrounded by those who will let her know how loved she is. I hope that her family are surrounded by loving arms as well because their deepest pain has only just begun.
Today started off rainy and grey and they gave way to blue skies and puffy clouds flying by. The green leaves on the trees dancing and swaying in the gusty wind. How can life be so beautiful but not beautiful enough? Oh Allison I am holding you in my arms and wanting to sooth your troubled brow. I want to rock you and let you know life is more than precious. It is more than words can say.
4 comments:
This sort of pain is just unimaginable. The pain she has experienced and the pain those who love her are now experiencing. The image of you rocking her in your arms is universal -- it is love -- would that our intentions were more than that --
To have such intent- to work out that plan, to carry it through.
Where did her pain come from? Where does pain of such depth come from?
Bless her. Bless her.
Elizabeth...it saddens me to think she felt so much sorrow in her life. And I do wish I could hold someone who felt such pain...to hold them and not let go, to be there for them, to do what I could..I am sad I did not know her but I feel for her as a loving mother does.
Mary...This makes me wonder how do we know when someone is in such pain. Can we know that someone wants this as a relief from living? That being gone would be better? To plan and know that her intent was real. She was seen local at 8 AM and was on the bridge by 10 AM...she had to have no reservation of what she was doing.
oh such sadness! i too only hope that there is love and sweetness where she is now....
my thoughts and strength go out to her family...unimaginable heartache!
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