Fear is Real

     I am not one to handle fear.  Or for that matter anything that entails the unknown, pain, let alone what makes me squeamish.  The waiting in the ER seemed to heighten and bring out those demons.

     I realized when my Love left I had his cell phone and could not call him if and when they finally took me to the ER exam room.  Behind me was a mother, father and son who had come in shortly before my Love had left to get some food.  The son looked to be about 15 and was in his practice football gear which was pads, oversize team shirt and the skinny/tight football pants.  His arm like mine, was cradled by his good arm.  His splint was cardboard with a bag of mostly melted ice.  I overheard the mom and dad talking about if he would be playing soon.  I saw that wrist and I could bet it was broken.  How or what would make a parent think more about football than their son hurting with a possible broken wrist?  The mom then was saying the next day was team photos.  They had to go.  Wow.  What about talking to your son lady?  I wanted to turn around in that full waiting room and console the young man.  Me with the wrist hurting wanted to be a mom and console that boy.  The heck with football.  I was silently grateful that Ryan did not do football.


     Sure enough my name was called and my Love was not back.  I was led to one of the exam rooms where I sat all alone....waiting.  Just because I was here did not mean I wouldn't be waiting some more.  Then another nurse came in and said they had to move me.  I was led to a small room with one chair.  They are remodeling the E R and this was the former triage room.  I'm realizing I am going to have to go pee soon and dreading how I will do this.  I look up at the clock and see that it is near 7:00.  Hours ago I had a normal wrist.


     My Love comes in and and I am relieved by his presence.  He actually had gone to In-N-Out Burger!  I'm sort of hungry on hearing this.  A male nurse comes in and says he needs some more x-rays.  Why?  Well, off we go again.  Three of the same ones as before are done but with my wrist unwrapped this time.  I was feeling the icky feeling rising up and the pain as I am asked to move my arm in the three positions.


     Back in the little room  I feel cold and start to shiver.  I ask the nurse who comes by for a blanket.  AAAHHH the warm blanket that reminded me of after the birth of R. when I was shivering so crazy.  Quickly my body relaxes. My Love and I chat silly things.....I really think this is a lousy way to spend a perfectly good Friday.  I want to be home with my kids cooking dinner and laughing, glass of wine would be good too.


      Another nurse comes in and does my vitals asks the same question of what happened.  I start to shiver once again.  My teeth are chattering as well.  When will I get to have a doctor look at my wrist I think to myself.  She asks if it hurts on a scale of 1 to 10.  I say about 6.  She tells me she will get something for the pain. At last because the Aleve I took earlier is not helping.  She also asks when I last ate or drank.  Well I had a Trader Joe's fruit bar and some water.  She mentions she will be back but it seemed like forever.

     I suggest that this might be a good time to use the loo to my Love.  I can manage the doing but need help with the zipping up.  I feel like a little, helpless kid.  At least I am comfortable somewhere in my body.  The shivering and chattering of my teeth begins again.


     Her return is welcome.  She says she wants to have me come lay on the gurney where she wants to put an IV line in.  It is explained that the Orthopedic Dr. may have to set my arm and that I would be put out for this procedure, thus the need for the IV line.  My shivering and chattering teeth are escalating.  Oh my God, why did I take that awful fall?

When You Only Can Use One Arm

  
   I realize that my broken wrist is only for a short time in my life.  I have made some observations however that I can be bugged about or laugh about.  I will choose to laugh about and share what can be very frustrating.

1.  Undressing and dressing...choose the easiest items you can.  I would have been trapped in an over-the-head dress if My Love had not been here.  

2.  Ditto to jeans or any zip up item.  It can be embarrassing if you need to ask a stranger to zip your pants (button too) if you don't have a friend or family nearby.

3.  Showering brings a new challenge when you have a cast that won't allow you to bend your lower arm.  Plus you have to wear a bag (we used the newspaper bag) to keep it dry.  I also had to hold it up to keep the water off my arm as much as possible.  I am exhausted by the time I get out.

                                                                Newspaper bags are so handy!

4.  I can't squeeze shampoo into my other hand.  Thank goodness the soap dish is handy to use!  Using a bar of soap is a joke.  I use my puffy bath thingy that can hang on the sqeegee hook so I can squeeze bath gel onto it.


5.  I can only shave under one arm.  I can only put deodorant under one arm though I am getting better at doing that.

6.  Dixie Cups are quite useful.  Upside down I put my face lotion and hair volume gel on their own cups and can use my good hand to apply.  I am however grateful that I don't wear makeup as I can't even imagine the ordeal of applying and removing it all would be!

7.  I cannot use knives.  I ask for help for cutting my food.  

8.  I cannot use a can opener.  We only have a manual one not an electric.

9.  I cannot open jars.  

10. I cannot tie a bow.

11.  Cooking is a hazard or a joke.  Simple meals or someone else does the cooking.

12.  Washing dishes is a joke.  Round items go round and round.  I can't do wine glasses period, and I cannot say for sure that anything is clean.  Period.  I am grateful for having a dishwasher (man or machine).

13.  Laundry.  Yes I can get a load going but folding is very slow.  Hanging clothes is awkward and slow.

14.  Did I say I have Tendonitis in my good arm?  This has surely slowed the healing of that.

15.  In the words of Robin Williams from the movie Mrs. Doubtfire, the Horizontal Mamba is not happening.  The last thing on my mind is having sex while I have a tree trunk on my arm.


16.  Speaking of bed...finding a comfortable position takes time.  I am tucked in by My Love...pillow under the knees, pillow next to me for the bum arm.  Sheets are such a pain to pull up because of the pillow next to my body.  I have to try and get the stupid bedding to go over it as it tends to not budge if I get up in the night.


17.  I love my high bed but I have to say it is a challenge to climb onto.  It might as well be a mountain.


18.  I cannot change the sheets on the bed.


19.  Folding sheets is impossible.


20.  I cannot iron.  I have to confess I like to iron and I like most of my clothes ironed.  My basket is getting full.  Anyone like to iron?  I'll make you lunch!  Oops!  I can't do that...I will take you out to lunch!

21.  Grocery shopping is not a problem per say, though using plastic bags in the produce department is not easy.  The bags don't like to stay open.  Thankfully other shoppers take pity on you and offer to help. 

22.  I cannot give myself a full mani-pedi.  Partial yes.  I cannot file the hand that needs it most.

23.  Typing on the computer with one hand is slow and makes me feel stupid.  I am constantly making mistakes!  

24.  I cannot blow dry my hair with only one hand....unless you have a clever husband who rigs up a stand for your blow dryer to be mounted on.  It is still exhausting to do but  I am happy that I can try to look decent.

                                           You think we could sell these? Blow dryer poles?

25.  I cannot clean the litter box.

26.  I have an awkward time turning the car on as well as shifting to reverse, drive and park.  I have no plans to parallel park.  I promise.  If R. is with me I ask him to help.  I secretly think he thinks this is quite funny with Mom having a hard time with the car.  14 year olds have an odd sense of humor.  

                         *  *  *  *  *
     With my new cast I expect to have more mobility.  Number 15 will change as now I don't have a tree trunk on my arm.  More like a hot pink weighted glove.  A hard as rock glove.  R. suggested I could pound nails with it.  No, I think not. I am accepting whatever way the house looks and not looking down at my floors.

 

Last day of Summer vacation

A day at the Boardwalk from Ellen Frasheski on Vimeo.

     A little over a week ago, just after I broke my wrist we spent a grand day at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.  I have such fond memories as a young teen going here with our church's Youth group and also with friends as we lived about 30 to 40 minutes from it.  It has the old clackity clack Roller coaster, The Giant Dipper that was such a thrill.  My favorite place at the boardwalk was the Fun House.  You could stay in there as long as you wanted.  There were funny "Ocean Waves" that went up and down that you had to cross. a spinning tunnel you went through which I usually laughed myself silly trying to go through, at the end a big blast of air would come up under your feet and we would all scream.  There were the mirror "walls" to see how funny you could look, short, fat, skinny, tall, stretched, all quite entertaining to us.  Once past those areas was a large room that had several areas we could use.  A long row of slick wooden slides to race down on burlap sacks.  I could do that over and over!  A spinning disk that you had to try and stay on as it went faster and faster.  No standing for obvious reasons.  I don't know what year they removed it but what a loss to have it close.  Probably for safety they would say.

     We have brought our children to the Boardwalk a few times over the years when they were young though I am sure it has been 10 years since our last time.  It is free to walk around and only the rides you need tickets or wristbands.  Since I was only a looker I enjoyed the families, smells of popcorn, the deep blue sky, the happy faces everywhere I looked.  I wished I could catch the brass ring on the old Merry-Go-Round, to ride on a painted horse with real horse hair mane and tail.  As a little girl the horse I would pick I would imagine was real as we went round and round, in my mind we were galloping faster and faster.  A little girl has to dream!

     Rides have come and gone, games to play and prizes to be won.  I especially liked the Horse race game because of the prize of the different sized metal horses you could win.  I don't remember how the game was played only that beyond where you sat was a wall that had a faux racetrack on it where the wooden horses moved based on your skill at the game.  I won many little statues but didn't save any of them.  There has been a miniature golf indoors as long as I can remember but as a kid we didn't want to waste our time doing that because of the rides and the beach.

      The beach is lovely here.   A long and wide beach with perfect curling waves for those who wanted some water time between rides.  I saw a few girls with there boyfriends in bikinis and board shorts the day we were there just like when I was a teen.  Flipflops are the shoe of choice here and I saw several rides that did have a cubby area for your shoes and bags.  This day we did not plan on a beach day thinking about how much time we would have and not sure what the weather would be.  It was a gorgeous day however that would have been great for beach fun with a picnic.  Next time and maybe even an overnight stay would be a treat.

     Food....Fried  Twinkies, Sno-cones where you could do your own flavors, Clam Chowder in a mini round sourdough loaf scooped hollow as a bowl, soft-serve ice cream dipped in chocolate, corn dogs, hot dogs, cotton candy, falafels, candy, big rainbow colored lollypops that could take a good hour to finish, salt water taffy, chocolate, coffee (which seemed odd but on a foggy day could be welcoming), turkey legs, garlic fries, pizza,  just an amazing variety for everyone to choose from.  Two of our group decided to go across the street to a small Mexican restaurant where they got some delicious tacos with homemade  everything on them to go.  I really wished I had gotten that.  If only I had known they were considering that option.

     None of the family went on some of the rides I secretly yearned to go on.  Yes, the Merry-Go-Round would have been done at least once and more likely three times.  The Cave Train because it is so hokey with the caveman / dinosaur theme with the goofy Flintstone feel.  I could have done the kid ride Freefall which is a tame version of the Doubleshot which is a free fall that goes up and down multiple times that would make me sick.  The kids and parents on the kid version were having a blast!  Yes, the Boardwalk made me happy that day, broken wrist and all.  I was pleased to see how clean everything was.  You notice the small details when all you can do is watch. 

     I thought of many songs throughout the day.  Mumbo Jerry's song "In the Summertime" when I heard it at one of the rides made me think of me at 13.  Wildly running from ride to ride with my girlfriends, laughing and having the time of our life without our parents around.  Then the old song "By the Beautiful Sea" came to me.

By the sea, by the sea by the beautiful sea
You and I, you and I, oh how happy we'll be!
When each wave comes a-rolling in
We will duck or swim,
And we'll float and fool around the water.
Over and under, and then up for air,
Pa is rich, Ma is rich, so now what do we care?
I love to be beside your side, beside the sea,
Beside the seaside, by the beautiful sea!

E R....the eternal waiting

     Daughter E zooms me to the doctor's office where we are clearly the last patient of the day.  E signs me in and takes care of the basic formalities to do before seeing the doctor.   We sit in the exam room waiting for Dr. F. to see me and chat.  I feel so odd having my daughter bring me to the doctor, sitting in the one chair while I am perched on the exam table.  A reversal of roles as it was I who sat on the chair when she was little talking to her to distract her from the wait till the doctor came in.  I am comforted by her being with me, knowing she should be on her way to work and yet she tells me she wants to be here with me to help and make sure I am okay.

     Dr. F. comes in and teases me a bit as I was in to see him barely 2 weeks before because of Tendonitis.  That is in my left arm, my writing arm, not the one I hold as though it were fine china.  He says let's take a look as he unwraps my hand.  Gentle, everyone is gentle though I still am feeling fearful.   "Oh yes" he says, "I do believe you broke your wrist".  He wants me to go to the hospital that thankfully it is just next door to get x-rays and he will call in an orthopedic.  The nurse is called to get a wheelchair as they don't want me to have to walk.  Okay.  I walk out to the hall where the chair is and start to sit down.  I feel that the chair is not locked (what was the nurse thinking?)  and start to feel a fall but I am caught by the nurse and Dr. F.  (I hope there is a chat between them later about the need to ALWAYS lock the chair.  

     E R waiting room is not too busy though that doesn't mean a thing.  The exam areas could be a zoo for all we know.  Once again E signs me in and passes over my ID and insurance card as well as any signatures.  My Love has no idea what has transpired as he had just started a new big job out of the area.  E and I sit down.  I encourage her to go back to work that I will be okay.  No she won't go, that it is alright for her to stay.  After about a half hour waiting I finally get her to go.  She calls home to give the update which is still nothing but waiting.  My Love is just home and will be on his way.  My fall was at near 3:00, the doctor visit 4:00, it is now the 4:45 or so hour.  E reluctantly leaves as we say goodbye.

     The waiting room begins to have new patients.  A young boy with a bump from running into a table and gashing the forehead as well as hitting the back of the head.  Mom has a three pack of juice boxes as well as a sippy cup, Dad cradles their son on his shoulder.  I think Dad had been on duty watching their son when the accident happens as I hear them talking.

     I am called by the triage nurse.  A curly haired young man with a knack for this job.  All the questions of how, when, etc. are asked and then I return to the waiting room, back to my chair, to wait some more.  My arm aches and throbs and I am feeling more uncomfortable.

     Next another couple with a little girl comes.  Mom is distressed and anxious to see a doctor now.  Father is agitated and speaking a foreign language to the wife.  She becomes more upset and little girl does as well.  Life in the E R is anything but boring.

     I am called by another nurse to have my x-rays.  Her name is K just like my daughter.  X-rays are not pleasant as we have to unwrap my wrist though not fully and hold it in three different positions which gets me shaky and nervous because of the discomfort.  Then it is back to the waiting room.   


     Why does the time take forever?  The room has become quite full now.  My Love arrives about 5:40.  Relief that he is here and my eyes become teary.  All I can think to say is "I'm sorry".   My Love says "Why?  You've done nothing wrong.".  But that is what I feel.  I am sorry for this unwanted attention.  I only want to be with my visiting daughter and her boyfriend.  Cooking dinner having a glass of wine, laughing, not being here on a Friday night.  I say "Some lousy date this is."  My Love looks at me with only that look of tender comfort he can do.  He asks if I am thirsty or hungry.  Well,  yes I am.  H goes out to the car to bring me what he has.   Time just drags.  My Love asks if I mind if he goes to get something more filling as he is hungry from working all day.  No problem, as the wait will be long, that is clear.

     

Under Repair

   
      My blogging may be a bit off.  As of last Friday I have a broken wrist.  To be exact I have an "Acute undisplaced comminuted intra-articular fracture of the distal radius with dorsal angulation".   Whew!    I am now down to one hand typing (What is the sound of one hand clapping? A question I wrote about in college ages ago that I don't feel applies to this!) which is slow and exhausting. 

      What was a lovely hike in the Las Trampas foothills near our home became a change in a split second of the use of my hand.   My two daughters K and E, K's boyfriend B, myself and my son R had thought it was a perfect day for a hike.  Going up it has a steep ascent through shady oak dotted hills, then you come to a large open area with views  of Mt. Diablo and the valley.  Heading down the trail was slippery with the very dry hard packed dirt.   You need to think when you go down and I was talking, happy to be with my kids.  First E slipped and fell and I then I made the comment of watching  your step and then I fell.  I was too off on my balance to fall on my tush only, more leaned back and I went down hard on my right arm.  I heard it or felt it the snap!   I knew I had broken it.   Everyone asked was I okay and said no, I think I broke my wrist.  My daughter was next to me wanting to help me up but I just held my arm trying to digest what had happened.  B was quick to my side, asking me what I can't remember now.  Next was him asking for wood to make a splint.  Then it was "does anyone have a bandana", no none of us did.  Quickly he removes his belt and wraps my arm up.  I felt so cared for that I didn't worry.   I just wanted to get home and prayed it was a sprain. 

      We had about 10 minutes before we reached the car and my thoughts were "can't I go back in time and do this over before I fell?"   I am bugged with myself, I should know how to go down a steep trail.   I have hiked plenty of times up and down this trail.  I have fallen countless times from horses and had one roll on my leg in a fall without any breaks.  

      We get to the car and back home.   We sit at my kitchen table and unwrap my arm from the oak and belt splint.   It looks funky on the table.  Someone gets ice packs and B comes out with a backpackers splint.    W talk about calling the Dr. as I am certain it is broken.  B carefully wraps my wrist.  My Knight in Shinning Armor to the rescue has just been awarded multi stars for his good deed!   Thank you's seem not enough for his quick action and gentleness.

       E says she will drive me on her way to work, grabs my purse and cell phone, buckles me in her car and we are off. 

Jesse

Jesse from Ellen Frasheski on Vimeo.


       For most of my life there has been at least one dog in our home except for a few short years while I was in college.  Growing up we had at one time a boxer named Humprey, two Miniature Poodles named Pepe and Charlie and then an Akita German Shepard mix named Nikki.

             When my Love and I had been married for a year and finally bought our first home I begged for a dog.  I had fallen in love with Shetland Sheepdogs after going to the Golden Gate Dog Show in San Francisco.  After that day I read up on Shelties to find out all I could about them.   My constant talk finally got the green light to get one.  I called the Northern California Sheltland Sheepdog Association for help on finding a breeder.  After a few calls from that connection I found one nearby.  Our first Sheltie we named Heidi.   She was 10 weeks old and I was in love.  I took her to dog school were she was smart as could be.  Shelties are truly an intelligent breed and learn quickly.   Heidi lived till the age of 12.


         When Heidi was around 7 we bought another Sheltie we named Tess.   I loved those two very much.  Two little dogs who followed me everywhere whether at play with our girls, cleaning house or doing yard work.  I would walk them tandom with the stroller around the neighborhood when the girls were young.  I was stopped often by children thinking they were "baby Lassie's".   When Heidi died I was blessed to still have Tess.  Sheltie's are extremely loyal to their owners but primarily to the one who trains them which was me.   Tess just picked up the slack without Heidi and became closer to me.    She was always alert keeping her eyes on me.   Tess was quite devoted to me and I to her.   When I was 7 months pregnant with R. Tess  suddenly developed  serious anemia and passed away at the age of 7.  I was shocked and distraught.   My "Little Shadow" as I had called her was gone.


          Months went by and though we had another dog who we all loved, our merry Golden Retriever Dixie, I felt lost without my shadow.   So when R. was three months old we found another Sheltie and brought him home.  We named him Jesse.   I have a thing for the runts of the litter.  Like Heidi and Tess, Jesse was the runt as well.   I was told I was crazy to get a puppy while I had a three month old baby.  I would pick R. up and pick Jesse up with the other arm to take him outside to housetrain him.  It really was easy to me.  Evey two to three hours I was breastfeeding R. and when I was done I would take Jesse outside.   As I said, Shelties are smart!  Dog school was a breeze where he was the smartest in the class.  R. and Jesse grew up together and though Dixie and R. bonded the most, Jesse was always nearby or in the mix.   


         Jesse's puffy tail with the white tip whipping around and around as he would "attempt" to herd R.  Well we know you can't herd a child but try telling that to Jesse!  


         When you own a dog you try not think of how long they will be a part of your life.   It is never long enough.  That true companionship where they come with you on vacations, go on hikes or walks, having them in family photos, simply being a part of the family.  

         Yet time marches on and that friend begins to age and slow down.  Walks become harder till they can't keep up.  One of the last trips Jesse was with us to Lake Tahoe and part way through our hike we had to carry him.  He just was too tired.  He began sleeping more and not always getting up with ease.  His breathing became labored with panting more.  The night he passed away I had made plans to take him to the vet the next morning.  He ate his dinner like normal though he was not steady on his feet and really just wanted to lay down.  His look on his sweet face was sad and I felt awful seeing him this way.  We went into watch some TV with R. and my Love on the couch along with our other dog a Chihuahua mix named Stewie and our Golden Annie on her dog bed.  Jesse came in with us and lay by the door.  He watched us for awhile and then we thought he was asleep.   When we got up later I called the dogs to go outside.  My sweet Jesse did not move.  I felt his little body and knew then he was gone.   Gone, gone from us.


          The peace I felt was that he died with his family near him where he was watching us.   He didn't have to be put to sleep which I had dreaded to have to do.   He was with his doggie friends and people family.  We all said our goodbyes to him that night.  


         I miss having a Sheltie.  It has been two years since Jesse died.  We have our Annie and Stewie who we love very much.  We play, walk and hike together and those two are just the best buddies to each other.  While I would love to have another Sheltie we just can't right now.   And you may ask why I need or want another dog let alone a Sheltie.  Until you have had one it is hard to explain that would make much sense.   Their sweet almond shaped eyes that melt when you look at them.   Their happy little gait and the way they run.  Yes they do bark but they bark for good reason!  When someone comes to the house, when they are playing but I never minded.   Yes they need to be brushed and often but what a glorious coat they have.   Yes they have teeth that seem to get dirty real easy even when they have bones to gnaw upon.  But my heart will always love them.   That loyal relationship of trust and friendship is like no other.


         Missing you Jesse...and all my doggie family....Heidi, Dixie, Tess....


       

Vacation Time.....

Hawaii 2008....my Love and son boogie boarding


     Vacation time for this family.....at last.   We had plenty of air miles on the card so our airfare is free....we found a condo that looks great and booked it months ago....and now tomorrow morning bright and early we are gone to Hawaii!  We need this vacation more than I can say, oh boy do we.  
     I won't be writing for awhile...9 days to be exact...hope I can read some blogs every once in awhile between my watching the ocean and reading a good book.  I will miss you all  that is for sure.
      Aloha!